I can’t remember where the thought came, but it was probably one of those fleeting existential thoughts I have every day.
Why are things so hard?
Why do I feel stuck?
Will things ever get easier?
Things here were allegedly going to clear up yesterday, with the human trashbag taking himself out (with the supervision of someone here), since his lease was not renewed. It’s strange, but I kept hearing that wasn’t going to happen until Sunday.
The human chimney is still here.
I wouldn’t really care if it wasn’t for the stupid smoking inside, and the scary decompensation/manbaby temper tantrum that last about 21 hours near the full moon.
And he’s just a symptom. It’s the landlady who is currently in Canada doing fuck-all. She won’t be back on the 12th.
I’m not even going to check on this, because these are the constants I have. It’s not my house. The only thing I’ve vowed is that I will fight this spiritually now.
At the very least, I’m not afraid of anyone anymore. That took all year to get that place of internal solidity.
But something broke.
Like a true Capricorn, I have a (somewhat) janky knee. This month about 11 years ago, I had knee surgery. For two weeks, as the cartilage in my knee healed, I wasn’t allowed to put weight on my leg. It’s amazing what two weeks will do to a muscle. My thigh muscles atrophied.
After those two weeks, I had months and months of physical therapy to build my muscles back up.
One of the exercises I had to do was crab walk with resistance bands, like the ones in the image above. I’m sure I did a lot of other resistance band exercises. Somewhere in storage, I have a ton of them. They were exercises I wasn’t supposed to ever stop, really. But I did.
This week, I’ve been pondering about what I should be doing with my career as a writer. I’ve been feeling like I’m not going in the right direction because everything has been so hard. I haven’t been making connections to the clients I want.
Everything feels like a struggle, one I’m not willing to fight through. It feels like I’m going to hit a dead end any moment now.
And this whole blog has been one long sad song of life is has been so hard, for so long.
Those pained words are real, and for so many years, even before this blog, it’s the only true song I’ve known.
But I’m tired of this dirge-as-life refrain.
But practically speaking, I didn’t want to keep thinking that I was wrong. That I’m someone who needs to be fixed.
So on July 1st, I definitely felt like a different person.
Before that Twitter thread, on June 29th, I had such a mind-blowing experience, talking to an intuitive, and I know I’m being guided to do different things. Like read tarot and astrological charts professionally.
But also, to lean into my creativity more and write more creatively. Again, someone has told me that I should write books, and I’d love to–but I’d also like to eat.
Interestingly, I did a tarot reading for a friend. She’s also a writer, leaving behind a different career.
The reading basically was this: you’re stopping and assessing what’s going on. You need to embrace this transformation and stop procrastinating.
I definitely took that as a free reading for me. She and I are on similar tracks, and that reading really resonated.
My Services page went up yesterday, and it felt…like the right thing to do. I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t expecting a lot of fanfare from anyone–I’ve gotten a few supportive messages from closer friends, which has been surprising and encouraging.
My Twitter presence seems muted at times, even though I know a lot of tarot readers and astrologers.
But that’s something I’ll be working on, marketing to the right people.
Something that keeps coming up for me lately, but has always been nagging at me–the feeling that I am not even closer to what I should be doing.
My mom told me when I was 15 or so that I wasn’t really living up to my potential. In high school, I didn’t really have the best work ethic. I silently agreed with her. And 25 years later, I still do.
And not to get back on the weepy-go-round of grief, but I have always felt held back or encumbered by things that I can’t control.
It’s always something…
Even now, because that terrible housemate is going through some stupid depressive spiral and chain-smoking in his room, I’m breathing smoke right now, for the umpteenth day.
And there’s nothing else I can do about it.
And last week, I got really sick of feeling helpless about it.
But here’s the reality: I am on my own with this–physically, anyway. I will have to wait this out (who knows for how long?), or figure this out spiritually.
I’ve had to dig deep to find spiritual resources because there aren’t any others around me.
And that’s how it’s been for a while.
So since there are no saviors here, then there’s only amor fati left–a love of fate. Loving, embracing what is, right now.
And that’s what broke–my resistance to this experience.
Yet resistance creates strength.
And that’s the thought that came to me this week, that all this resistance has created an incredible strength that I could not have possessed otherwise.
So many people remark on my strength, but this isn’t because I signed up for this (no matter what spiritual teachings that say otherwise). This isn’t some spiritual circuit training course.
It’s always been out of necessity.
And. The recurrent thoughts I have about how bad things are, they’re out of necessity, too:
I’m not going through all this shit for nothing.
There’s a greater purpose for this struggle.
This has to be used for the greater good.
Although today was allegedly going to be an Independence Day from this trash person, there was a mightier independence declared earlier.
I’m not going to be defined by my circumstances, by the lack of respect, by the lack of help, by the lack of it all.
I’m still here, unharmed. I am full of an ever-expanding ocean of self-respect, a raging wildfire of righteousness, and gale-force winds of determination.
I am supported by loved ones who have passed on and protected by angelic beings.
And there are some online friends who have been there for me, and I’m ever so grateful…but it’s not the same as being here.
Oh, another old refrain that’s not even worth dredging up again
So maybe most of my life has been me, thinking I was supposed to be walking normally, but instead, the resistance was doing some work for me, on me.
I can’t say this without thinking of all the crazy resistance bands that are thrown on marginalized people.
Why do we have to be strong when the occupants of dominant culture crumble at the paper cuts of life?
But I really can speak of my own journey. Being treated cruelly when I’ve given kindness–that isn’t my karma is it? I thought if you’re to be kind to those who are unkind to you, then things will transform.
Says the former chump. Says also a lot of well-meaning white people.
I don’t know…this all made sense when I was briefly thinking about it: the persistent circumstances that have been clipping my wings, that have kept me in this suboptimal holding pattern. And I thought it was me not trying.
Even when my mom said that to me about my potential at age 15, I was living with a frighteningly emotionally distant mother, a father who was becoming more and more mentally ill, and a brother who had his own scary behavioral issues.
Yeah. Not really the potting soil for “living up for my potential.”
So, 40 years later, and life is still pretty disappointing. So now what?
Until “then,” until conditions are more optimal, when will I start living, right here, right now?
Waiting out the smoke monster is a waste of my time, of my life. It’s no way to live.
Fuck this and fuck him.
I’m strong enough to really live, instead of mourning and grieving the life that I felt I was meant to live (and this thought came up today right before I had a Reiki session).
So yes, the life I was meant to live was never alive. It was always dead. But the life I can live now, even in this dump of a home, can be real, can be full of joy, can teem with healing and hope.
I don’t have to wait. I don’t have to resist. I don’t have to settle. I don’t have to merely cope.
And this is probably why the practice of gratitude has been so hard for me. How can you tell a perpetually grieving person–a person who had high hopes for herself, who had those high hopes continuously dashed–to focus on what she does have, not what she doesn’t have?
Grief has been silently strangling for so long. It came up today during a Reiki session. I wasn’t surprised.
But I am tired of grieving what wasn’t, what should have been.
This is the life that I’ve been given, for better and for worse. So many bitter things, I’ve had to choke down and swallow, more than the normal amount.
And my heart…goes out…to all experiences.
But herein lies…hope.
I still have so many chances to make this miraculous life into something that will last beyond my earthly body.
Right now. Because that’s all I have.
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