The End

RWS_Tarot_21_World SOM

Today, my tarot card of the day was The World. For you tarot readers and aficionados, you know how fitting it is to have the last card in the Major Arcana at the end of the year. I believe it’s a great sign for me. If you’re not into tarot, it is a card that marks endings and completion.

There are a few ways of viewing this, so I’ll just make this post a reading of sorts.

A Welcomed End

The first thing I thought when I saw this card was that the troubles and challenges that I’ve faced this year are complete. This year was very chaotic for me, but I feel like I squeezed as much knowledge and wisdom and healing and growth as I could. 

As we look at the world, with all the upheaval, strife, the disasters both human-made and natural, there’s still a lot of hard and terrible things that we’re dealing with both individually and collectively.

New challenges are always arising, but I’ve found that being forever a student about life is one way to make sure that you can remain flexible. You can learn how to drop old coping mechanisms that you used in your youth and find better ways to cope and deal.

There are a lot of things I’m still seeking out in the world. But within myself, I am whole and complete–and so are you. That’s what The World card reminds us.

And although we’re all whole and complete by ourselves, we do need each other to unearth all the treasures that we have. We need others to support us on this journey of becoming (or rediscovering) who we are.

An Unwelcome End

It’s strange, too–I’m a little sad that this year is ending the way it is because I feel like I’m in the middle an ellipsis, or like I’m the bouncing ellipsis you see when someone is writing a Twitter DM or text back to you. My “moment of triumph” is still being written–and that’s a good thing. The World card also says to me that it’s not even necessary to put an exclamation point when only a period is necessary.

It’s done. Period. 

But back to The End…this year sucked a lot, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Even though there are challenges we’ll carry into the New Year, it doesn’t mean that you have to continue to carry the emotional baggage that came with those struggles.

Granted, healing from trauma usually begins when the painful events ends.

For example, it took me many years to emotionally heal from having to take eight years to get through college and how that long circuitous journey of stops and start was one I couldn’t really control. That period of waiting and attending and betrayal and exile and return took up most of my 20s.

The bleeding may have ended when I graduated at age 26, but the pain was still there and I still have a scar. Now I could really deal with the trauma because I had stopped fighting. The war was over and won, but I was still wounded on the inside. 

I had to work through (and sometimes still work through) the shame and disappointment of not being able to graduate with my classmates. Besides the career detours and blocks (which apparently is why I’m a writer and not a doctor (and I don’t regret the path I am now now, by the way)), I lost practically all of those relationships, and part of me will still grieve not having close friends from college anymore.

The expectations of having college being life-changing were met in ways I didn’t really welcome.

Sometimes, things end prematurely–a marriage, a beloved job, a loved one dying. So sometimes, The World card isn’t a welcome sight.

Another Ending, Another Beginning

But things end and start again all the time. If I hadn’t gone through the premature ending of leaving college after my junior year, I would have never met the lovely soul that I was my first boyfriend.

When I was looking at the card, I thought it was an ouroboros, a snake eating its own tail. But whatever that is, there’s the representation of a circle, a cycle of life, beginning and ending and beginning again.

Life is always in flux and is cyclical (Sing it, Elton).

Things may be over and complete, but then there’s always a new journey to embark on–one of healing and personal restoration.

So if you’ve have experienced trauma and harm this year, I hope that these events have ended and the healing journey begins, even now. 

Goodbye to another shitastic year

I believe this is a custom to clean a house either on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day. It’s not one I grew up with. So symbolically, I cleaned the common areas of the house today.

I mainly focused on the refrigerator and freezer. I cleaned the dusty top, the oil-splattered side, and the filthy interior.

I took out all my food and all the shelves and drawers and cleaned. I am going to be right sore tomorrow–so help me (please), naproxen!

Proud and petty sidenote: I left the shut-in’s door section unclean because that lazy ass fucker doesn’t do anything except take the trash to the roadside when it’s his month. 😏😒 Also, there’s this cream cheese that has been on his shelf that’s been expired for months. 🤢

Anyway, I wanted to be rid of that racist shithole’s energy, Sir Coughs-A-Lot (the renter before the racist lunatic) energy, and even the Russian kid’s energy. Be gone, be gone, be gone!

I also wanted to literally wash away this year. I don’t really have enough cleaning agents for that, but it felt good to take out my frustration, sorrow, disappointment, and shame on a fridge and a house and have it turn into something orderly, clean, and beautiful. The house now has the light scent of lavender–which I hope will usher in even more peace and calm to this place.

The Peace Within and Without

But lavender aside–it’s a peace and calm that started from within–a very hard fought peace in a time of conflict. I mean, sure there was some meditation involved, but a lot of it was making sure that insane in the membrane shitbag hit the bricks and left this house.

The cool thing to me is that preserving the peace within usually will spill without, into other areas of your life, into other people’s lives. It’s difficult and almost impossible to do in our times, but it’s difficult and almost impossible to not pursue inner peace–however you can healthily achieve it… 

 

So. I don’t know what you need 2019 to be for you or what 2018 has been like for you. 

Maybe you don’t feel whole and complete. Maybe you feel like this whole year has been The Tower. Maybe you’ve had a string of years that look like The Tower or Five of Cups. I know what it’s like. I know what it feels like to be proverbially falling out of a burning building, or to have some cups of precious things spilled–and to mourn all of it.

Whatever you’re hoping the New Year brings, even if it’s just relief that it’s not 2018 anymore, I hope that you can find and usher in peace within–the kind of peace that brings personal and collective clarity in an ever-changing and increasingly hostile world.

And, I hope that we will be that kind of peace for each other.

HNY.🥂


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2017: a return to myself

real generosity SOM

So this year was…a lot of things.

Trying to wrap my head around all the things I learned and did and endured and gained and lost. So many things.

So, I’ll just focus on the one thing I’m really glad is happening: being me again.

I’ve tweeted about this, so if you follow me on twitter, this will be a little repetitive.

It’s been a stressful year to say the least, mainly financial. And I’m exhausted from talking about it, let alone living it.

 

Being so poor and so obsessed with income really made me miserable and fucking humorless. I remember being in college and being so hilarious even as my family was falling apart and I was drowning in the darkness of clinical depression.

It was almost to mock the horrors going on in my life.

Fast forward 19 years and this year was so serious and so unfunny. It’s been a blur of activity and loss.

The one event that I really remember starting the shift that was someone tweeting an encouraging to me when I desperately needed it.

I was annoyed and tired over having my room flood. I was displaced to this other house they owned for two weeks. The owners promised me having rent be reduced for my trouble. I unfortunately didn’t have renters’ insurance (like I do now).

Here was the annoying rub: the conversation at the first of the month had a different message than I had had the previous month.

I needed to pay full rent. The reason was I didn’t live elsewhere and I had prevented them from renting the room–a room they offered to give me.

I had gotten about $60 bucks off or something like that. I was so pissed.

So I had tweeted out this grown over an astrological transit (“Ugh” was all I said), and they tweeted as if they exactly knew how the old me would want to hear it: pro-me and definitely, and defiantly, anti-stupid idiots.

That moment was a little bit like looking in the mirror of the plucky girl I used to be back in college. I needed that grit, with that steely edge of sardonic humor, which had all served me so well during my 20s.

For that moment, I’ll forever be grateful because it felt like a little bit of light was shoved into this box of darkness I was sitting in.

It was so great to have someone be on my side, and I didn’t have to explain anything.

Also this year, I also started being around friends with Aquarians, or people had strong Aquarian energy–like the two best friends I had in college.

I started laughing my ass off. I started laughing over stupid shit, like I used to.

And then, just this past month, I saw this woman, laughing crying over her life:

This would be me and my Aquarian best friend in college. I started laughing crying, too. We would call it “The Place” where we would just be kind of crazy and silly–basically in hysterics.

Watching that video, I knew that I was mostly back.

In between the time I had my room flood on January 30th and now, I’ve been able to have a sort of OK business for myself, and I have friends that I regularly talk to now. They may be geographically far away, but they exist, and we support each other–Aquarians and Pisceans, just like college.

The children of winter have kept me warm with heavy blankets of kindness and laughter.

But here’s where all the joy went–into chronic stress. Specifically, it’s the stress of not knowing how you’re going to pay for bills. It can erode any joy that you can have.

You get so laser-focused on applying for jobs, fundraising, dealing with the fallout of losing things and housing instability, there’s little room for fun, for laughs, for levity, for a breath. Even when you’re on vacation or away, it’s still in the back of your mind.

I have ping-ponged back and forth over the abyss of despair for years, and this summer, when I got my first two major clients, I was able to get some stability. And that was all due to a friend who was able to connect me to clients, along with other resources that I have barely tapped into.

Anytime I thank them, which is often, they reply, “No problem!”

I’m often blown away by the generosity of relative strangers. I’ve received crazy blessings that have left me speechless, amazing readings, wonderful advice, understanding, and support.

So although I was steering the ship back to the familiar shores of my laughter and mirth, I got a push back in March and then things just kept going in the right direction.

I’m almost ready to throw down my anchor and welcome myself back home.

So what’s ahead? Work-wise, the grind of marketing and prospecting. I feel like 2018 will bring some more stability to my financial life–and it will be because I worked hard for it (sounds like Capricorn season is in full swing!).

Today (December 22nd), I decided to take a long Twitter break because I feel like things are shifting energetically and I need to pay attention to the shift. I’ve seen three close friends leave that space in a matter of months. It’s given me a huge pause. I need to seek my life outside of that box–and let life seek me.

Everything else? The Universe has been incessantly bothering me about one thing for months, but there’s nothing I can do about it except to continue to seek guidance, to be grateful for the signs, and to be patient.

I hope you all say goodbye to 2017 in style, because it’s been one dumpster fire of a year. I hope that something went right this year, something that you’re proud of, something that gave you some hope, something that was good and nourishing to your soul.

It’s been so tough, but I’m so glad I’m still here.

Happy New Year! Thank you for reading!

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