After dealing with a rather emotionally raw summer, I decided to make last week a staycation of sorts–which is really just a break from the relentless grind of looking for new clients…and trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and my life.
I need a permanent staycation from that last part!
Specifically, my brain gets burned out by emotional upheaval–duh. And it’s been a cumulative effect. Losing two clients and a couple of love interests, all within the span of a couple of months–it all really took its toll on me.
I really don’t like losing. 😏
So last week, I decided to catch up on some YouTube videos. Usually Sundays are my day to watch YouTube videos with tarot and oracle card readings for the week–which I never seem to remember but they bring comfort to me in the moment.
I decided to listen to someone I hadn’t listened to in a while.
Matt Kahn is a spiritual teacher up in Seattle, and I’ve listened to him for about three years. He says a lot of common sense things that are desperately needed to be said. And although I don’t always agree with him, his videos have been really helpful for my spiritual journey.
This video is about having less options and about having less in general. Coming across this video was a wonderful synchronicity because I had said the other night on Twitter how I wanted to be more spartan.
So earlier last week, while I was trying to deal with the anxiety of closing out a client, I went through clothes in my closet that didn’t fit right anymore and took them out. There’s probably more to give away in there. I plan on looking through my room tomorrow to start getting rid of more things.
Beyond just having that compulsion to declutter, I’ve been trying to really get a grip on how I feel about my current situation, the dissatisfaction and disappointment that has been increasing its grip around my throat.
Turning 40 last year has brought a lot of internal pressure to live a beautiful life. It’s about time! And now, time feels very short for me.
I don’t feel like I’m doing anything worthwhile, something that’s bigger than myself, something that will last longer than me.
I feel like I’m endlessly spinning my wheels, that I’m wasting my potential.
I feel underutilized and unseen.
Even writing this post today is irritating me! It stirs up all these tough feelings.
But this–the sore disappointments, the anguish, the shame–this is what has been brought to me. I’ve struggled to cope with this reality. And I’m exhausted from the struggle.
I don’t want to emotionally struggle like this anymore.
Matt’s teaching basically invited me to see this lessening in my life as a part of my soul’s growth. And although I’ve whined here enough about how it’s so tiring to hear that, Matt was able to calm those irritated nerves.
Honestly, what other choice do I have besides continued misery?
I hate to spoil the video’s message here, but since it’s almost 2 hours long, I’ll do a TL; DR version: as a spiritual sensitive being (which isn’t everyone), your journey isn’t to amass more. It is to be satisfied with what you have, even as all kind of marketing tells you that you need to have some just in case.
And yes, this is where gratitude comes in, something that comes to me in waves…
Florida has been a place of less–less money, less people, less opportunities. The longer I stay here, the smaller it becomes. There’s been very little gratitude. I’ve hated mostly every minute of this continual compression.
Even after six years of this roller coaster, I’m still amazed that this is what continues to happen. I’m not in a place of acceptance. Yet.
And sometimes–and I’ve said this before–I don’t want to see things spiritually. I don’t want it to be about me seeing the big picture. I just want my creature comforts: to have a peaceful home life, to have a prosperous business, and to feel free to do what I want so I can enjoy life.
And well, that’s not really happening yet. So the question is, how do I make do without feeling like these circumstances are permanent? I’m still squirming to find these answers.
One funny thing Matt brought up was how the ego always wants more–including trying to get the lesson out of experiences. It’s like we want to just skip the experiential part to get the lesson.
And yes, I’m like, I get it, I get it–gratitude, acceptance, surrender. Blah, blah, blah.
Can we get to the good part yet?
I’ve said over and over here that one of my big life lessons is to learn how to trust in the Universe, and yet my life’s journey has made it really hard to trust anyone (although I still do, like an idiot).
But it always comes back to trust and surrender, to the bigger picture being painted.
It doesn’t mean that by knowing what’s going on, that the losses don’t hurt less. It does mean that resisting loss can make things more difficult, can make one more tired.
I’m at this weird juncture where normally, I should feel driven by something, by some goal. My goals are so small now, which makes me feel small.
But that feeling isn’t necessarily the truth of who I am.
The alchemical thing about restriction and limitations–it can force someone to be more creative.
So what am I doing with what I have right now? Beyond being grateful in word, am I grateful in deed as well?
This year, I’ve experienced people, places, and things that I’ve wanted and then had them disappear.
So it makes me wonder…should I want different things?
The answer is…yeah!
I may have mentioned this before, but in a book I was reading about abundance (yes, I know, I’m rolling my eyes, too), it said that we should be focused on how we want to feel more than preferred outcomes (and that’s a paraphrase).
So take, for example, my desire to live in a peaceful home. That could still be in this house, although I seriously doubt it.
As of last Sunday, the house is full again and already, I have issues with the new tenant using my stuff, which I realize is an inherited trigger from my father. 🤣 And I laugh because he really didn’t like me using his stuff. *shudders*
I had to put up a passive aggressive sign, which I hope he can read (English is his second language) and remove some of my things.
But hey–I’m used to this.
Men just like to take, take, take… 🙄
I cleared it up, though, and he understands now. Phew.
Yet ideally, I feel like living alone would be the best outcome. But what if I’m guided to move out to live in some communal space where people respect other people’s property and give me the support I’m looking for? Maybe living alone wouldn’t be for my greatest and highest good.
So to live a guided life, step by step… it comes back to the place of trust and surrender.
And well…it’s something I don’t really want to do. I want to do what I want.
Yet there are bigger things being worked in me that aren’t just for some elusive, intangible soul growth–but that are just better for me, better in a way that I would enjoy and benefit from.
I have to trust that I’m truly in the right place, at the right time–even if it looks like failure.
I hope I can get curious about what’s actually happening in my life instead of focusing on what’s not happening…
If you liked what you’ve read, I’d love your support as a patron on Patreon. Tiers starts at just $1/month. I blog about things that I don’t post here.
If you want to give a one-time gift or monthly gift, hit me up on Paypal.
Thanks for your support! 💘