and the point is…?

transition SOM

Today (Friday), I was going to publish this poem as an ode to someone, but yesterday, I deleted it before it published it.

And now, today is yesterday. And maybe I will publish that poem…someday.

I’m in a little tiny place of confusion and flux.

Yesterday (Thursday), I was faced with yet another disappointing relationship demise. It’s yet another link in this long chain of disappointments that made me ask the heavens:

what is this all for?

And it’s not just in love. It’s just with everything.

Today, I bounced back pretty quickly, much to my surprise. Apparently, when you just let yourself be in your feelings, then it’s easier to surf through them.

It could be because I had more of a paper cut than an actual deep wound on my heart. But it’s not like paper cuts don’t hurt.

It could also be that I’m almost resigned to things falling apart and people leaving.

Almost.

Yesterday wasn’t the end of the world. It was just the end of me thinking I’d be able to get out of this vortex of peculiarity and pain.

This whole blog is just a plea for this cycle of shittiness to stop. I realized that I had taken a vacation from this living nightmare cycle for about 3 weeks.

And it was so nice.

But now I’m back.

I don’t know if I just haven’t had the wherewithal, the gumption, the moxie to really start following my dreams post-grad-school. The only goal has been survival, but I can’t do that anymore.

I’m not completely blaming my own circumstances for what went down yesterday (which you can read about if you become a $10/month patron).

That was probably a long time coming. And that’s OK.

But at the same time, that this…thing…started at all was a sign that my shitty circumstances aren’t holding me back from bringing me to the right people.

Still, I feel stuck…not necessarily even in circumstances, but that I’m in some spiritual school that I didn’t sign up for. And I’m not even in the mood to learn anymore. It’s exhausting to seek or derive meaning from every event.

Sometimes things just suck.

I want my daily circumstances to not trip me up so much that I can’t focus on anything else. It makes for a dull and unattractive me.

But here I am again, being asked to trust that everything is working out as it should.

When bills are hard to pay and lapse…

When I’m (thankfully gladly) eating ramen…

When I have to sign up for writing tasks I don’t like doing because they pay poorly…

When I seem to keep attracting men who are also somehow sweet and kind, but also going through some sort of spiritual transformation that keeps them at arm’s length…

When I live in a house that seems to never be right for longer than a few days…

When my body seems to have a mind of its own…

When friends keep coming and going but never stay…

When I’m doing my best despite all of these failures and shortcomings…

There’s the holy and divine invitation to trust, right there, in every one of those circumstances.

Meanwhile, this is me:

temper tantrum

So I was in the middle of writing this last night, and then things changed again. And that’s…actually OK. It was good that things changed. And there’s probably going to be another somewhat vague blog post about that.

There’s a bit of an exhaustion that can come when you live in a transitional space.

I just want to get to somewhere better (don’t we all?).

Still, with all of these challenges and opportunities, I have to trust that not only does the Universe/God/Source knows what she’s doing, but that I know what I’m doing, too.

And I wish I were more elegant with this spiritual journey, but I’m just fumbling towards some truths, along some hazy, washed out plumb lines.

Even as my arms hold so much yearning and loss, there’s so much more space for wonder, miracles, and just good ole sustenance.

Things…the things that I want…they just aren’t coming as quickly as I want, but they are coming. And I have to keep rising up to meet them as they come.

I also have to hope that they do come. And the anticipation isn’t wasted. It’s used as fuel to bring those dreams home.

To keep myself open to all the good, even as I’ve endured a lot of bad…that’s where the rub is, the gold is, the real life is.

And maybe that’s the point.

If you liked what you’ve read, I’d love your support as a patron on Patreon. Tiers starts at just $1/month. I blog about things that I don’t post here.

If you want to give a one-time gift or monthly gift, hit me up on Paypal.

Thanks for your support! 💘

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Work With Me and Book A Reading

book a reading

This week’s blog post, my friends, will be considerably short. And that’s especially because I wrote a long, cathartic post for my patrons on Patreon last night.

If you want to read it (because it includes an update on the human trashbag tenant, as well as a follow-up to this post on better listening, then you’ll want to sign up for the $10/month tier.

I wanted to formally and officially tell you about about the astrology and tarot services that I am offering here on sunoppositemoon.com.

But first, you may be asking — well, why are you providing these services now? If you’ve been reading this blog for a bit, maybe it won’t be a surprise. I do talk about astrology and tarot a lot here.

Even still, it’s because of a couple of reasons.

The first is that I had an intuitive reading a couple of weeks ago that really encouraged me to use my own intuitive gifts. This website was recently already upgraded to do that, but I didn’t have in mind to do this for my blog.

I’ve been studying tarot and astrology for a few years now, and have really upped my game with my studies in the past couple of years. I officially launched on July 2, 2018.

The second is that I’ve already provided astrology and tarot readings to people, so I thought it was also time to offer these readings officially.

So I have three readings. The first is the Natal Chart Reading, and I’d strongly suggest this if you are new to astrology. I break down what your natal chart is like, house by house. It’ll give you a sense of what you’re working with astrologically. You’ll probably learn new things about yourself or understand why you do things or see things a particular way.

The second reading is the Stellar Weather Report, and this is great if you already have a decent sense of what your natal chart is and you’re concerned about upcoming planetary transits, such as the recent partial solar eclipse/new moon in Cancer from July 12, 2018, or the upcoming total lunar eclipse/full moon in Aquarius that will happen on July 27, 2018. I’ll look at how the transit affects you and what you can do to get the most out of it.

The third reading is a Tarot Reading. So we consult the cards together about what questions you may have. I’m more into providing prescriptive than predictive guidance, meaning I want to help you with your life as it is right now vs. peering into the future.

The future is unknown and circumstances and choices may change after a reading–which is really important to keep in mind. BUT I’m not 100% against forecasting. I just don’t know if you’ll get that job or if your significant other will come back.

So those are my readings so far, and I’d love to work with you. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. Once you pay for your reading, I’ll contact you with either my calendar of when we can have a chat or when I’ll email you your reading.

And if you’re into astrology and tarot, you should be following me on Twitter, where I talk more about those topics in depth, as well as retweet and engage with my favorite astrologers and tarot readers.

That’s it, my lovelies. I hope you have a wonderful week!

I’m curious, if you’re into astrology or tarot, tell me what your sun sign is and/or tell me what your favorite tarot card is and why in the comments!

fear as a gift

I can't watch this

Pretty sure this happened when one of the ladies was going to try to kiss the bachelor. It was totally cringeworthy.

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching The Bachelor. I watch the whole cursed franchise because it’s a way to have a virtual weekly date with my friend.

She loves the show, and I love her. But, I think it’s pretty stupid. I just use it as a hangout time.

At least these contestants get to go to some really cool places across the world. And, there’s the catty, nighttime soap drummed-up by the producers drama that’s kind of fun to watch.

I admit, too: I thought I liked this season’s bachelor. I mean, he’s a looker.  But, he’s also a cheeseball. So, I regained my senses during this episode. He’s probably a bit sleazy which I took as attentive and kind at first.

really need to get out more often.

Anyway, I saw two contestants practically lose their shit on their dates with the bachelor, and both got eliminated on the spot instead of at the rose ceremony.

This happens on occasion, but how they did themselves in reminded me of how my intuition went crazy years ago right before I was fired.

A Runaway Motormouth

One contestant was on a date in Napa Valley. Lovely scenery, plus swilling wine should help with romantic vibes. But one of the many blonde Laurens on this show just kept freaking out.

She was so nervous and really had reason to be–she kept telling the viewers that in her little interviews. She felt like she couldn’t control herself. I agreed, no reason to be nervous.

She kept nervously talking and talking about everything and nothing. She just could not shut up. The bachelor let her go for the silliest reason–apparently, she loves her family too much to be here. He may have been trying to let her down easy because I don’t even think he let her go because of her incessant babbling.

“The Human Anxiety Attack”

The other woman who got let go, Vulture calls her “the human anxiety attack,” and for a good reason. This show gets a little silly, because it takes mundane instances in our lives and blows them up on TV.

So let me preface this to say that yes, it’s important to get some physical chemistry with your love interest, but usually these are internal or private conversations. It is so weird to have them outside of yourself and to tell millions of strangers these sorts of machinations.

This lady, who I was rooting for and find to be probably too sensitive for a TV game show where the prize is an engagement, was freaking out about not having yet kissed the bachelor.

So she tried to get some one-on-one time with him before the rose ceremony to make it happen, and he says, nah.

I hate to be reductive here, but from my experience any time a straight guy turns down a kiss or sex, something is gravely wrong.

She tries again, and he sends her home.

Smoke Breaks Saved Me a Day of Dignity

These freakouts reminded me about when I was working as a legal assistant at a law firm and one Friday, I couldn’t stop freaking out about getting fired. I just knew.

I didn’t think I wasn’t doing my job well, but the two law firm partners reminded me of my parents. One was aloof and the other was certifiable and had been banned from certain court rooms.

The irrational one thought I was lazy. In retrospect, it was probably racism and sexism involved, since my two other colleagues were white males doing the same amount and kind of work.

Everyone thought I was freaking out for nothing.

The next Monday morning, I was laid off. Apparently, it would have been Friday, but they couldn’t find me to fire me. I was a smoker at the time, so I think I was nervously taking a lot of smoke breaks outside.

So what do these three incidents have in common? A woman’s intuition.

Fear and Intuition

As I was watching The Bachelor, I told my friend that those two women knew this wasn’t going to work out with the bachelor, but at the same time, their minds didn’t really know. Instead started to bargain or cling onto this guy through their meltdowns.

With blonde Lauren, the incessant babbling to me was a sign that they were not connecting. She was trying to fill in the silences and make up for what the bachelor was not giving. As Vulture pointed out, the guy was so checked out, he started eating during dinner.

I have been there, many times, and it is a horrible feeling–to not feel connected to someone when you are so trying to make it happen.

With the anxious lady, there’s of course the time pressure–there’s the rose ceremony where you get chosen, or not chosen–but there’s also the knowing she clearly had. When would you otherwise try to force a kiss to happen with a man? Never.

And as sleazy and cheesy as this guy is, she knew it should have happened already. She was trying to force things to happen. But, and maybe graciously, she hastened her elimination and went home before the rose ceremony.

I’m not exactly sure why these two incidents stood out to me, but I have been fed up with how people in the spiritual community talk about fear. Fear is bad–and that’s it. It’s very dualistic thinking, and the the older I get, I see more of life as a gradient than two black and white choices for everything.

The Gift of Fear

As research for this blog post, I just started reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. His book is more about preventing violence. So, for these three examples, it’s outside of the scope of this post.

I’m still going to read the book because even though it was written in 1997, with mass shootings happening so often (just today, there was a shooting at a Kentucky school where one person was kill and multiple people were wounded), it’s important to know how to use fear as a gift, as a tool to protect you.

You have more brain cells than there are grains of sand on your favorite beach, and you have cleverness, dexterity, and creativity–all of which powerfully combine when you are at risk–if you listen to your intuition.

Still, what if those women had listened to themselves, to their bodies? If they knew why they were freaking out, maybe they could have saved a little face and left the show without having the bachelor eliminate them. Both women were disappointed and sad, but at least they would have had more control of what happened to them.

For my situation, which happened 17 years ago, I really didn’t want to be unemployed, so I don’t think it could have been avoided. I don’t think it would have made sense to go up to my boss and say, fire me because I have uneasy vibes.

There’s so much focus in the personal development world on positive thinking, which I a lot of it has to do with positive psychology.  Positive psychology isn’t bad. But I do think it can mislead people to not listen to themselves when fear arises.

Mind you, I do not include chronic anxiety in this. That could be due to trauma or brain chemistry or both. If you listened to that all day, you’d be exhausted, especially since most of it is misinformation.

What I’m talking about are those uneasy vibes that won’t go away.

Fear as a Messenger

So what do you do when fear arises? Do you dismiss it as negative thinking? Or do you pay attention to it?

Beyond that the fact that fear can save your life from violence, it could also prevent some embarrassment. It can end a relationship that has long since grown stale. It can give you some insight on how to handle the future when you feel an ending coming (like losing a job).

Fear is not bad. Rage is not bad. Anger is not bad. Sadness is not bad. Even pain is not bad.

Emotions are really neutral messengers that we must heed–whether we’re on some stupid game show, or at our places of work, or at home, or out and about.

Emotions aren’t optional.

Of course, any emotion in excess can be bad. But, to me, fear gets such a bad rep, and needlessly so. It’s almost like Westerners have a meta-fear–a fear about fear.

Maybe for those two eliminated game contestants, it’s just that their nerves got the best of them. But I still think it was really because they both had a foretelling, a foreboding, of an end coming. And neither of them wanted that end to occur.

So, if you have really acute, exaggerated reactions to people, places, or things–pay attention to them. Don’t dismiss them.

Your intuition knows.

If you liked what you’ve read, I’d love your support as a patron on Patreon. Tiers starts at just $1/month. 

If you want to give a one-time gift or monthly gift, hit me up on Paypal.

Thanks for your support! 💘