resistance training

resistance SOM

I can’t remember where the thought came, but it was probably one of those fleeting existential thoughts I have every day.

Why are things so hard? 

Why do I feel stuck?

Will things ever get easier?

Things here were allegedly going to clear up yesterday, with the human trashbag taking himself out (with the supervision of someone here), since his lease was not renewed. It’s strange, but I kept hearing that wasn’t going to happen until Sunday.

The human chimney is still here.

I wouldn’t really care if it wasn’t for the stupid smoking inside, and the scary decompensation/manbaby temper tantrum that last about 21 hours near the full moon.

And he’s just a symptom. It’s the landlady who is currently in Canada doing fuck-all. She won’t be back on the 12th.

I’m not even going to check on this, because these are the constants I have. It’s not my house. The only thing I’ve vowed is that I will fight this spiritually now.

At the very least, I’m not afraid of anyone anymore. That took all year to get that place of internal solidity.

But something broke.

Like a true Capricorn, I have a (somewhat) janky knee. This month about 11 years ago, I had knee surgery. For two weeks, as the cartilage in my knee healed, I wasn’t allowed to put weight on my leg. It’s amazing what two weeks will do to a muscle. My thigh muscles atrophied.

After those two weeks, I had months and months of physical therapy to build my muscles back up.

One of the exercises I had to do was crab walk with resistance bands, like the ones in the image above. I’m sure I did a lot of other resistance band exercises. Somewhere in storage, I have a ton of them. They were exercises I wasn’t supposed to ever stop, really. But I did.

This week, I’ve been pondering about what I should be doing with my career as a writer. I’ve been feeling like I’m not going in the right direction because everything has been so hard. I haven’t been making connections to the clients I want.

Everything feels like a struggle, one I’m not willing to fight through. It feels like I’m going to hit a dead end any moment now.

And this whole blog has been one long sad song of life is has been so hard, for so long.

Those pained words are real, and for so many years, even before this blog, it’s the only true song I’ve known.

But I’m tired of this dirge-as-life refrain.

But practically speaking, I didn’t want to keep thinking that I was wrong. That I’m someone who needs to be fixed.

So on July 1st, I definitely felt like a different person.

Before that Twitter thread, on June 29th, I had such a mind-blowing experience, talking to an intuitive, and I know I’m being guided to do different things. Like read tarot and astrological charts professionally.

But also, to lean into my creativity more and write more creatively. Again, someone has told me that I should write books, and I’d love to–but I’d also like to eat.

Interestingly, I did a tarot reading for a friend. She’s also a writer, leaving behind a different career.

The reading basically was this: you’re stopping and assessing what’s going on. You need to embrace this transformation and stop procrastinating.

Great. 😩

I definitely took that as a free reading for me. She and I are on similar tracks, and that reading really resonated.

My Services page went up yesterday, and it felt…like the right thing to do. I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t expecting a lot of fanfare from anyone–I’ve gotten a few supportive messages from closer friends, which has been surprising and encouraging.

My Twitter presence seems muted at times, even though I know a lot of tarot readers and astrologers.

But that’s something I’ll be working on, marketing to the right people.

Something that keeps coming up for me lately, but has always been nagging at me–the feeling that I am not even closer to what I should be doing.

My mom told me when I was 15 or so that I wasn’t really living up to my potential. In high school, I didn’t really have the best work ethic. I silently agreed with her. And 25 years later, I still do.

And not to get back on the weepy-go-round of grief, but I have always felt held back or encumbered by things that I can’t control.

It’s always something…

Even now, because that terrible housemate is going through some stupid depressive spiral and chain-smoking in his room, I’m breathing smoke right now, for the umpteenth day.

And there’s nothing else I can do about it.

And last week, I got really sick of feeling helpless about it.

But here’s the reality: I am on my own with this–physically, anyway. I will have to wait this out (who knows for how long?), or figure this out spiritually.

I’ve had to dig deep to find spiritual resources because there aren’t any others around me.

And that’s how it’s been for a while.

So since there are no saviors here, then there’s only amor fati left–a love of fate. Loving, embracing what is, right now.

And that’s what broke–my resistance to this experience.

Yet resistance creates strength.

And that’s the thought that came to me this week, that all this resistance has created an incredible strength that I could not have possessed otherwise.

So many people remark on my strength, but this isn’t because I signed up for this (no matter what spiritual teachings that say otherwise). This isn’t some spiritual circuit training course.

It’s always been out of necessity.

And. The recurrent thoughts I have about how bad things are, they’re out of necessity, too:

I’m not going through all this shit for nothing.

There’s a greater purpose for this struggle.

This has to be used for the greater good.

Although today was allegedly going to be an Independence Day from this trash person, there was a mightier independence declared earlier.

I’m not going to be defined by my circumstances, by the lack of respect, by the lack of help, by the lack of it all.

I’m still here, unharmed. I am full of an ever-expanding ocean of self-respect, a raging wildfire of righteousness, and gale-force winds of determination.

I am supported by loved ones who have passed on and protected by angelic beings.

And there are some online friends who have been there for me, and I’m ever so grateful…but it’s not the same as being here.

Oh, another old refrain that’s not even worth dredging up again

So maybe most of my life has been me, thinking I was supposed to be walking normally, but instead, the resistance was doing some work for me, on me.

I can’t say this without thinking of all the crazy resistance bands that are thrown on marginalized people.

Why do we have to be strong when the occupants of dominant culture crumble at the paper cuts of life?

But I really can speak of my own journey. Being treated cruelly when I’ve given kindness–that isn’t my karma is it? I thought if you’re to be kind to those who are unkind to you, then things will transform.

Says the former chump. Says also a lot of well-meaning white people.

I don’t know…this all made sense when I was briefly thinking about it: the persistent circumstances that have been clipping my wings, that have kept me in this suboptimal holding pattern. And I thought it was me not trying.

Even when my mom said that to me about my potential at age 15, I was living with a frighteningly emotionally distant mother, a father who was becoming more and more mentally ill, and a brother who had his own scary behavioral issues.

Yeah. Not really the potting soil for “living up for my potential.”

So, 40 years later, and life is still pretty disappointing. So now what?

Until “then,” until conditions are more optimal, when will I start living, right here, right now?

Waiting out the smoke monster is a waste of my time, of my life. It’s no way to live.

Fuck this and fuck him.

I’m strong enough to really live, instead of mourning and grieving the life that I felt I was meant to live (and this thought came up today right before I had a Reiki session).

So yes, the life I was meant to live was never alive. It was always dead. But the life I can live now, even in this dump of a home, can be real, can be full of joy, can teem with healing and hope.

I don’t have to wait. I don’t have to resist. I don’t have to settle. I don’t have to merely cope.

And this is probably why the practice of gratitude has been so hard for me. How can you tell a perpetually grieving person–a person who had high hopes for herself, who had those high hopes continuously dashed–to focus on what she does have, not what she doesn’t have?

Grief has been silently strangling for so long. It came up today during a Reiki session.  I wasn’t surprised.

But I am tired of grieving what wasn’t, what should have been.

This is the life that I’ve been given, for better and for worse. So many bitter things, I’ve had to choke down and swallow, more than the normal amount.

And my heart…goes out…to all experiences.

But herein lies…hope.

I still have so many chances to make this miraculous life into something that will last beyond my earthly body.

Right now. Because that’s all I have.

If you liked what you’ve read, I’d love your support as a patron on Patreon. Tiers starts at just $1/month. I blog about things that I don’t post here.

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My 10 Most Popular Posts (so far)

real popularity SOMHi friends,

I’ve written over 100 posts in the past 3.5 years. So I thought it’d be a good time today to look back on what I’ve written. I’m going to list from the oldest to the latest, what my most popular posts have been.

Next week, I’ll show you my least popular posts.

If you want to support my work here, become a patron on Patreon!

I can’t tell you why these were more popular than others, because, for example, This Is My Time felt like a personal triumph, but no one barely looked at it.

  1. Woo fucking woo–my first post!
  2. Just Enough Light–my second post!
  3. A trip to woo-woo land–that one time I went to see an angel card reader
  4. I need your help/How can I help you?–This was a month after my contract had ended. I’m pretty sure this still applies almost 2 years later as a freelancer. AND this is my most popular post!
  5. how to be your own mother — Mommy issues!
  6. the astrology of my family — I’ll be updating this today because I got something about my father wrong (appropriate for Father’s Day?)
  7. it’s time to move on, it’s time to get going — a tribute to the late, great Tom Petty
  8. the greatest wound, the greatest healing — existential loneliness sucks.
  9. hell is living with other people — my almost complete history of terrible roommates
  10. Digging Up Old Roots: An Elegy — buh bye, Christianity

If you’ve been with me from the very first post, thanks for being on my writing journey with me. Especially if you’ve been a long-time patron of mine, your material support has meant the world to me.

Wherever you picked up to come along for the ride, I appreciate you. I hope you have a great week and a beautiful Summer Solstice.

Share in the comments what your favorite post is from the sun opposite moon blog!

If you liked what you’ve read, I’d love your support as a patron on Patreon. Tiers starts at just $1/month. 

If you want to give a one-time gift or monthly gift, hit me up on Paypal.

Thank you so much for your support!  💘

 

 

 

thank you, Universe

So I read this shitty “boring memoir as self-help book” this weekend. I had bought it some time ago, hoping I could fix my life.

Well, it barely gave me anything new. If you had watched Oprah or Super Soul Sunday, you’ve already learned what this wannabe tough lady wanted to convey to her probably super rich, white, and bored audience.

I may never try to hate read a book again because it was full of phony baloney spiritualist schlock like:

“Fear is a choice!”

“Happiness is a choice!”

You can choose not to be depressed!

If you change how you think, then you can manifest the life that you want!

So much of that is basically just–try harder. But hey, the Universe is there to help you, too.

No mention of the systemic biases like racism, sexism, and homophobia that help keep people oppressed.

No, you should just get off your ass and do something–all with a bunch of affected AAVE speech:

“Thems is some big words…” (that’s not even grammatical for AAVE)

GIRL.

Anyway, it was so poorly organized, I don’t know how it was meant to actually give a reader real ways to change her life without getting lost in the bland pablum this woman was peddling.

I won’t mention the name, but the book has a yellow cover.

I picked up this book because, 1) I was told to (higher self + spirit guides) and also 2) I’m in a bit of a rut or transitional space, something I could been saying for the past 5 years, honestly.

Specifically, I need to increase my sales for my business so I can move out of this godforsaken house and on with my life–and also pay some bills!

As I was chatting with a friend today, it’s not a good thing to be feeling desperate when you’re looking for some answers to your life.

Sure, necessity is the mother of invention, but I think, especially in American society, that desperation can leave you vulnerable to shysters and crooks who want to manipulate into parting with your money.

So OK, I had already bought this book, so no harm there, and I was told to read this book by my spiritual team (if you will, I hate these cheesy-ass labels). I actually got some good things out of it, even if I feel a little scarred after reading it.

But the scarring is adjacent to older scars.

So much of this shit is what I learned growing up in the “faith” movement in the 1980s and 1990s.

If you just have enough faith, you can move mountains (read: get that Cadillac and new house!). It’s shit I’ve been trying so desperately to unlearn, and I basically unloaded more on myself by reading this book.

But yes–what was the good I got out of it?

For one thing, I know how I don’t want to write about spirituality. It was a very inspiring book in that regard.

But the most practical piece of advice for my life right now is about gratitude.

It’s a topic that makes me roll my eyes. It feels like such a burden–and it really shouldn’t (but I’ll get into that in a little bit). But also, it’s so on trend to have an attitude of gratitude.

Even beyond the personal development scensters, gratitude works, and it works really well.

Gratitude has some scientifically proven benefits about improving one’s physical and mental health and overall wellbeing. It’s not like working with crystals or doing rituals where your mileage may vary.

Gratitude has just been a tough practice for me, especially in the past few years. It comes and goes with my emotional state and circumstances. There have been times, though, I’ve been grateful just to have a roof over my head and food to eat because I was technically homeless.

But deep down, there are so many times where I think, life has just been so fucking cruel and unfair. I do not want to write in my gratitude journal, ever. 

And, reading that book, I was reading about a woman who was kind of a dick and ended up with an amazing life.

So then, even when it comes to money, it’s definitely not given to those who “deserve” it, because the Universe finds them to be more morally upright and kind.

These sorts of disparities leave me with some really big, uneasy questions with unwieldy, flighty answers.

Like…

Why are so many kind people being taken advantage of and this self-appointed rockstar guru is given a life that she barely deserves?

Yes, it’s a version of the classic question: why do bad things happen to good people?

That’s probably for another blog post, but I bring it up because 1) I don’t think the Universe just automatically has your back (right? should the Universe be OK with evil people?

and

2) there must be more than just acquiring things and using spirituality to receive those things.

Also

3) there’s a bigger story that we’re all a part of, and we don’t know how it even truly began or where it ends, even after death.

We just don’t know why so many things happen, good or bad, and to what degree we’re involved in those occurrences.

Whew, that’s heavy. But really, that’s to give us all some perspective here, to tether us to something bigger…

So yeah, alright–I have some major impediments to gratitude here, but a daily gratitude practice does help me live a better life, so I need fucking be grateful already…right?

Right.

Finally, the point of this post…

So from this trash heap of a book, the author suggests writing daily thank-you notes to whatever higher power you’re into.

And I think that unlocked a cage of ineptitude that I had been trapped in because when I write “I am grateful for…” there is no object.

It means nothing to me.

I have that same feeling when you have to go around the Thanksgiving table and say what you’re thankful for. Most of us can come up with something that sounds halfway decent.

But usually, I’m sitting there, stewing, thinking life is unfair–when it really is, and I’m not being an entitled bitch about it.

What unlocked for me is that by writing daily thank-you notes to God or Source, etc., there is an object.

We don’t just say “thank you” into a vacuum. We direct our gratitude to a person.

It’s something that even reminds me of worshipping and offering thanks to God, something I grew up doing for most of my life in the form of song. And now, not being in church, that part has been missing for me–that special connection to God (especially through song).

I need to say thank you to the Universe for so many things, even when life is unfair and hard and excruciating. It’s to help me keep perspective of all the good that has happened, so I don’t sit here in a boiling vat of my own bitterness.

And I’m not just writing this down because Oprah said to do it. Definitely science is helping me to do it. But finally, after years of trying to be grateful for whatever is in my life, I can do it in a more directed and meaningful way.

So let me start right now…

thank you note

Thank you, Universe for bringing this book into my life–even if it was chock full of so much of what I don’t need.

I thank you that even though my spiritual team guided me to this book–and I feel like I need to recover from having read it–there’s still some method to the madness, that maybe something beautiful is opening up inside of me for me to share with others who really need to hear it.

Thank you, God, for the good people you’ve brought into my life, especially within the past year. Some have already moved on, but I am grateful for the light and beauty that they brought into my life and whatever good that they graciously accepted into their lives through me.

Thank you that I do have plenty of food to eat.

Thank you for bringing me to a better home where I can safely and freely be myself.

Thank you that the creepy housemate decompensated on me so I could stop wasting my time talking to him like he was sane and also hold the owner of this house more accountable.

Thank you for the chances to be more assertive for my well-being.

Thank you that the mammogram and ultrasound exam I went through on Friday came up with only cysts that will hopefully be aspirated soon.

Thank you for affordable healthcare to get those tests and low copays.

Thank you for all the opportunities that I don’t even know about yet. Thank you for all the opportunities that are available to me now.

Thank you for gifting me with grit, resilience, patience, perseverance, and a sense of humor to keep me from getting too serious.

Thank you that I don’t have to know everything, that I can ask for help early and often, and that I don’t have to do everything on my own.

And thank you, dear reader, for being here and bearing witness.

If you liked what you’ve read, I’d love your support as a patron on Patreon. Tiers starts at just $1/month. 

If you want to give a one-time gift or monthly gift, hit me up on Paypal.

Thanks for your support! 💘

 

5 Things That Are Making Me Happy Right Now

I’m writing this because the only thing that’s worth writing about, I can’t really talk about. But I’ve written so many heavy things lately, so let’s keep it light this week.

  1. Canada’s Tess Virtue and Scott Moir, Olympic gold medal-winning ice dancers sextraordinairevirtue and moir.gif

I ship them, even if they’re unsure if they ship themselves? (and look at their faces in that picture in the link, JFC!) And my wish for all of us is that we are loved like they portray love on the ice.

I could watch this GIF all day…😍

2. Laughing over my calamity

hilary duff laugh.gif

I decided that Pisces season would be a season of mirth (so far, so good). Over the weekend, I had something happen to me that was a little jarring and emotionally overwhelming. It wasn’t life-ending, though. Laughing with friends over the situation helped me to move on from those surprise feelings and it helped to bring a larger, more balanced perspective.

Life has been so dour and overly serious lately. I plan to laugh my way to success now.

Let. Joy. Loose.

3. Flax Plus Red Berry Crunch Cereal by Nature’s Path

I just had some for dinner. It’s good and good for you. Nature’s Path is great overall in terms of food.

4. My Himalayan salt lamp

I have no idea if this is really going to help my respiratory system. Right now, I’ve been having some major allergies because of the unseasonably warm weather we’ve been having here (highs in the mid-80s, when highs should be in the low-70s). But makes the room pinker. I just wanted more light.

5. Embracing all that I am

After writing about my Mercury retrograde in Sagittarius in the 12th house placement, I actually decided to get a book.

2018-02-20 22.12.05_1

It’s alright. I’m about one-fourth of the way through, but I hope it gets beyond the rudimentary psychology. I know that this astrological placement makes me work harder to connect and communicate–but it’s also better to work smarter.

Honestly, my lack of not having anything to say is mainly due to things in my life being fairly stable–well, as much as one can be when living in a crazy house. And I’m happy about that. But, I’m also trying to get out of here, grow my business, and take care of my health. It’s great to have the necessary energy and focus to do these things, too, instead of being in this painful holding pattern of survival.

I’m glad that right now, I’m not in an emotional abyss so dark, that I can’t find five things that make me happy right now.

And I’ve been there, where I had start being grateful about sunsets (my go-to) or having a toothbrush or having a roof over your head. It’s desperate gratitude, but sometimes, that’s all you have. And it can sustain.

There are other holding patterns I’m in, and although I can’t yet report on them here, I can say that the Universe has been aggressively bringing things together for me. And that’s yet another thing that’s making me happy right now.

If you liked what you’ve read, I’d love your support as a patron on Patreon. Tiers starts at just $1/month. 

If you want to give a one-time gift or monthly gift, hit me up on Paypal.

Thanks for your support! 💘

 

 

 

2017: a return to myself

real generosity SOM

So this year was…a lot of things.

Trying to wrap my head around all the things I learned and did and endured and gained and lost. So many things.

So, I’ll just focus on the one thing I’m really glad is happening: being me again.

I’ve tweeted about this, so if you follow me on twitter, this will be a little repetitive.

It’s been a stressful year to say the least, mainly financial. And I’m exhausted from talking about it, let alone living it.

 

Being so poor and so obsessed with income really made me miserable and fucking humorless. I remember being in college and being so hilarious even as my family was falling apart and I was drowning in the darkness of clinical depression.

It was almost to mock the horrors going on in my life.

Fast forward 19 years and this year was so serious and so unfunny. It’s been a blur of activity and loss.

The one event that I really remember starting the shift that was someone tweeting an encouraging to me when I desperately needed it.

I was annoyed and tired over having my room flood. I was displaced to this other house they owned for two weeks. The owners promised me having rent be reduced for my trouble. I unfortunately didn’t have renters’ insurance (like I do now).

Here was the annoying rub: the conversation at the first of the month had a different message than I had had the previous month.

I needed to pay full rent. The reason was I didn’t live elsewhere and I had prevented them from renting the room–a room they offered to give me.

I had gotten about $60 bucks off or something like that. I was so pissed.

So I had tweeted out this grown over an astrological transit (“Ugh” was all I said), and they tweeted as if they exactly knew how the old me would want to hear it: pro-me and definitely, and defiantly, anti-stupid idiots.

That moment was a little bit like looking in the mirror of the plucky girl I used to be back in college. I needed that grit, with that steely edge of sardonic humor, which had all served me so well during my 20s.

For that moment, I’ll forever be grateful because it felt like a little bit of light was shoved into this box of darkness I was sitting in.

It was so great to have someone be on my side, and I didn’t have to explain anything.

Also this year, I also started being around friends with Aquarians, or people had strong Aquarian energy–like the two best friends I had in college.

I started laughing my ass off. I started laughing over stupid shit, like I used to.

And then, just this past month, I saw this woman, laughing crying over her life:

This would be me and my Aquarian best friend in college. I started laughing crying, too. We would call it “The Place” where we would just be kind of crazy and silly–basically in hysterics.

Watching that video, I knew that I was mostly back.

In between the time I had my room flood on January 30th and now, I’ve been able to have a sort of OK business for myself, and I have friends that I regularly talk to now. They may be geographically far away, but they exist, and we support each other–Aquarians and Pisceans, just like college.

The children of winter have kept me warm with heavy blankets of kindness and laughter.

But here’s where all the joy went–into chronic stress. Specifically, it’s the stress of not knowing how you’re going to pay for bills. It can erode any joy that you can have.

You get so laser-focused on applying for jobs, fundraising, dealing with the fallout of losing things and housing instability, there’s little room for fun, for laughs, for levity, for a breath. Even when you’re on vacation or away, it’s still in the back of your mind.

I have ping-ponged back and forth over the abyss of despair for years, and this summer, when I got my first two major clients, I was able to get some stability. And that was all due to a friend who was able to connect me to clients, along with other resources that I have barely tapped into.

Anytime I thank them, which is often, they reply, “No problem!”

I’m often blown away by the generosity of relative strangers. I’ve received crazy blessings that have left me speechless, amazing readings, wonderful advice, understanding, and support.

So although I was steering the ship back to the familiar shores of my laughter and mirth, I got a push back in March and then things just kept going in the right direction.

I’m almost ready to throw down my anchor and welcome myself back home.

So what’s ahead? Work-wise, the grind of marketing and prospecting. I feel like 2018 will bring some more stability to my financial life–and it will be because I worked hard for it (sounds like Capricorn season is in full swing!).

Today (December 22nd), I decided to take a long Twitter break because I feel like things are shifting energetically and I need to pay attention to the shift. I’ve seen three close friends leave that space in a matter of months. It’s given me a huge pause. I need to seek my life outside of that box–and let life seek me.

Everything else? The Universe has been incessantly bothering me about one thing for months, but there’s nothing I can do about it except to continue to seek guidance, to be grateful for the signs, and to be patient.

I hope you all say goodbye to 2017 in style, because it’s been one dumpster fire of a year. I hope that something went right this year, something that you’re proud of, something that gave you some hope, something that was good and nourishing to your soul.

It’s been so tough, but I’m so glad I’m still here.

Happy New Year! Thank you for reading!

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Thanks for your support! 💘