the past future

the future

Last Memorial Day, I went to Cassadaga and spoke with a medium. Even reading that post, I missed some things that I didn’t had forgotten. But I had been looking over my notes that I came across as I was looking for something. I really wish I could have recorded the conversation, but her energy just shorts that all out.

Most of these notes haven’t really come to past. She was able to see my pretty fucking useless Gem crush (damn you, Millennials) from work last year. She thought I was close to real love.

Beyond that, here are some more highlights. I wanted to see how close I was to these predictions coming true.

*Underestimating myself

I put the asterisk when I wrote it. I’m not at all close to where I should be. That’s probably my core struggle and frustration. It’s probably a Capricorn thing. Goals on goals on goals. There’s so much stuff that she listed that was great about me. I know there is so much within me, untapped, unused, unseen. I need to ask my angels and guides to open that shit UP, like right now.

Counseling/”Not enough hands-on time with people”

Being currently car-less, this will be tough to do, but maybe I should be volunteering? I really love just having in-depth conversations about people’s lives. With Cancer season, I feel like I’ve gotten really opinionated but also very much about relating. The medium mentioned me being a counselor. I’m like, meh, I don’t know, STILL. She felt like my voice will be used to heal.

Teaching

Well, I’ve taught before, but it seems like whatever gifts I have, they are not being used yet. I need to write another book. Apparently, I will be writing textbooks.

Children

Just like last year, this year children and family keeps coming up in oracle card readings. Just by being in a child’s presence, I can change their lives. And, with it being Cancer season right, it’s about nurturing. I really do hope I get to have my own kids, but like my Cancer friend in Atlanta, with her youngest Gemini girl, I’d love to be nurture a lot of kids.

“So serious, but need joy”

I think that sums my life. I don’t even have anything to add. Damn.

And here’s something beautiful, like a song lyric: “someday will be bright and blue.” I’m not sure that even means. I think it means it’ll be really clear what my future life will look like.

The medium gave me a lot of book titles for me to read. My last note: “twists and turns, left turns, right turns, not straight.”  That is so true, still. So there’s that!

I feel like I’m so close to real love (yes, like right now and I can’t really talk about it–although if anything come of it, it’d be kinda cool to talk about because it’s so immaterial right now), to those seemingly mythical kids. Yet, of course, I feel really far away. Kids keep coming up for me, for years and years, and yet now I feel even further away from this future.

But tomorrow, everything could just change. I could have one meaningful conversation. I could find an amazing client. So many things that I don’t even know could happen. It’s hard for me to live in the world of possibility, but that medium saw so many wonderful things for me.

I guess I’m just making those left and right turns…

a to-do list

lost

Here’s a honey-do list for myself (this would be so much better if I drew it, but I’m not a…drawer…), for those quickly disappearing golden hours:

  1. Stop chasing people. I sound like a dog, but really. No true lovers or friends will need me to chase me. I guess this is more of a note-to-self.
  2. Visit Miami for real. Technically, this month I was in what used to be called North Miami Beach. I’ve been all over the state except there and Sarasota/Ft. Myers.
  3. Go back to the Keys. I just finished watching Bloodline and Islamorada is where this story takes place. Monroe County, the county of the Florida Keys, is so beautiful. So many keys, so little time.
  4. Get back into music somehow. I miss it, but the world of music is so vast. Maybe I’d start with taking classical piano lessons again somehow. But I need a piano…
  5. Go on an airboat ride through the Everglades. I could probably do that here in town, too, but yes. Gators and things.
  6. Read more. I just finished reading Trust Your Vibes by Sonia Choquette and it made me feel so much more on track spiritually. Writers read but ever since college, I haven’t enjoyed reading as much.
  7. Visit Chicago soon. There’s a possible job opportunity back at my alma mater, which is kind of wild, thinking about living there again. I miss the food and the culture, but my town is start to come up on both fronts.
  8. Maybe finish my novel. It’s the novel I started in grad school and fleshed out during National Novel Writing Month. It kind of turned into a rather steamy romance but it can still be literary. I think.
  9. Sleep better. This may be a part of some spiritual awakening, or it’s just that I live in a house with another insomniac who likes to make coughee (I should say coffee, but he coughs a lot, too) at 3am in the morning. Tonight might not be the night, since after this, I have two articles to write.
  10. Be a lot kinder to myself. It’s been a long journey down here and I’m not sure how my dreams and goals will be realized, but in the meantime, there are so many ways I can practice some self-compassion like: let myself feel things (which as a Cancer moon is nearly impossible), eat a little better, not try so hard so often, be OK with failing, drink more water, speaking more kindly to myself, and making my spiritual life my priority.

There’s a lot of things out of my control, but there are a few things that are. Even if I did #1 and #10, I’d be in a much better place.

Do you have a honey-do list for yourself? What’s rattling around in your brain for you to do for yourself? I’ve never asked my readers to comment, but if you want, comment and share one of those things.