human after all

Well, it’s been a minute.

I owe you, and me, three blog posts.

Today, I finished writing this fantastically long post for my $10+/month patrons on Patreon. It took days, throwing away drafts, revising–what I call real writing. So I’m glad. It’s about some really good things that have happened to me last month, which explains some of my absence.

What I can say about that is holding space for something that may or may never happen is never as good as letting go and opening up space for greater opportunities.

Unfortunately, you get the really bad things that have happened to me story. But there’s still a lot of growth, and it won’t be as down in the mouth as I have been historically.

And, for once, I will make this short.

Last month was really busy with a client doing work I used to do back in the day in my research days.

But since June, I had been consistently screwing up with data fidelity. I’m a recovering perfectionist, but this was becoming an expensive issue for my client and a perplexing situation for me.

I’m used to not only doing a good job–I’m used to excelling. I didn’t go through living in a hypercritical household with two narcissists as parents for nothing.

So when I kept trying to correct this problem, but getting the same result, I was in a state of insanity.

Admittedly, my client threw me in the deep end of their operation, and I thought I was swimming well, with some instruction, but not that much.

I thought I didn’t need it, and I didn’t even know what to ask to solve the problem.

As I started to sinking under continual screw-ups, including one that they didn’t catch for weeks, I realized that this wasn’t entirely my fault. And I’m used to taking on too much blame.

The client is super smart, the kind of smart that will skip over steps because they assume everyone knows what they know.

Last week, after I screwed up for umpteenth time, we had a terse conversation which I was still so confused why things were still a mess.

I was told that they would be in touch.

It took me two hours of my own time to figure out why things were a mess. It was something that would have taken less than 2 minutes to explain.

I told the client what I had discovered, apologized for the frustration, appreciated their patience and understanding.

I believe that phrase “I appreciate your patience and understanding” is what set them off, because it seemed like this wasn’t a big deal.

The ultimate consequences was hours and hours of work I did had to be redone (this was an error that my client didn’t catch after spending weeks with the data) and that I was constantly pinging people twice.

And that was spelled out in an email in reply to mine, 8 days ago, as if I didn’t know those things. That felt a bit insulting because I had spent the weekend before feeling terrible about the errors because of those very things listed.

I left the email laying there until last night. I knew I needed to sleep on it when I read it, because I felt like the client emotionally vomited all over me.

You’re to blame, you’re to blame, you’re to blame.

But I knew this wasn’t completely true.

I also knew I didn’t want to work with someone who couldn’t rightly see their own fault in the matter, that they were too busy to be bothered to look over my work, that they wanted me to take on more responsibility than I had been trained to take.

I talked to a friend about what to do, and he wisely advised me not to burn bridges–which I was ready to do.

He gently told me about how football (soccer) coaches will bring on some hotshot player for millions of dollars, but then he doesn’t perform. And then that player is sold to another team for less than what they had originally purchased.

I don’t think I’ve ever screwed up, knowingly or unknowingly, for so long and cost people time and money.

But it’s not unusual. It happens all the time, just like that football example. It just doesn’t happen to me–until this summer. First time for everything, right?

And I had been relying on that income to help as I grow my own writing business.

I then talked to my business coach who told me to not even address all the heated emotions.

She told me to offer a solution which I would be paid to create: a standard operation procedure manual (SOP) for what I had to do.

So going back and forth between my friend and my coach, I came up with a pithy email that was sent at midnight last night. I know it was read, but it hasn’t been responded to.

Whether I get a reply or not,  wheter the I know I did the right thing.

  • I took responsibility for my part.
  • I didn’t reply immediately with a blowtorch email.
  • I consulted wise counsel.
  • I offered a solution.

While writing this post, the client emailed their reply. They said thanks for the offer, they were trying to get a report out which has gone through some changes, but it doesn’t make sense to them at this point.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

iTried.

I haven’t worked with that client going on two weeks, and I feel a lot better. And more writing work has started to trickle in.

I feel supported and I feel at peace.

The growth of accepting when I’m wrong, but consistently wrong–it was such a huge, painful growth spurt for me.

And my identity as some perfect android shattered. I couldn’t get myself out of this mess that I had help in creating. I found the limits to my alleged perfection.

I became human last month. And I’m grateful.

I feel emboldened to ask even more questions than usual.

I feel freed, period. I am free to be fallible, to be imperfect, to not ace it at first try.

I’ve always been the reliable one, the smart one, the strong one, the resilient one.

But this summer, I became pretty ordinary. And the humility was so necessary.

Who can live under such pressure to perform flawlessly every day? I thought I thrived under pressure, but not sorta kinda set up to fail pressure.

At the very least, I learned that although I did gain some pleasure from doing work I used to do years ago, I’m much happier writing and reading astrology and tarot.

It was and is so great to have two people in my life support me, take the flamethrower out of my hands, and give me some options that didn’t involve tearing myself or my client down.

I don’t have to villainize myself into a complete failure. I can forgive myself instead.

So now, I think of my inner child who has gotten so much succor and strength from being “the one,” the star, the leader, the brain, the local Old Faithful. But now, she can finally find her rest and comfort in being her full and fallible self.

She doesn’t had to be it all and do it all for anyone, and especially for herself.

 

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It’s all in the timing

2016-06-16-17-06-11

 

Waiting to for the clouds to clear…

I started this blog with the purpose of keeping track of my spiritual happenings, but they came rather fast and furiously–hard to keep up! So, under this chill Taurus moon, I hope I can reflect on what I’ve seen in the past day.

A couple of synchronicities occurred with oracle cards with a couple of people I follow on Twitter. The cards dealt with forgiveness, desire, and timing.

The Mystery of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a tough one because I don’t see it as an option at times. For example, I have some old white men as roomies and they sound like they are one step away from hospice with their coughing. It churns my stomach. I don’t feel respected or honored here–I never was, but it was better than the hell I was living in with a scaredy cat Capricorn lawyer. Oh, the housing stories I could tell!

Still, I enjoy being mad at them, at them being emblems of white patriarchy in my own fucking house (actually–it rarely gets that deep, because I really don’t think about them until they disrupt my peace). The benefit of anger is wearing off because my thoughts about this are on a catch-a-case level. And frankly, that is a waste of time.

Even as I write this, I don’t think for asking for divine help to forgive. As Alexander Pope said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Every housing situation I’ve had in Florida requires some level of forgiveness, which I have yet to grant, and that forgiveness message has come up so often, but I think of my life before Florida, like the former “friends” back in Chicago that I don’t even think or care about anymore. I’ve (mostly) unloaded those resentments. Even my stay in a hotel during Hurricane Michael, where I was double-charged and treated horribly, forgiveness doesn’t seem available to me. Between justice and mercy, I always am on the side of justice. Make it right, and make it right, right now.

Forgiveness is a weird concept to me, and I believe it’s because it truly is divine. I don’t think I can wield it as well as justice or even mercy. It has to flow through me, from on high. Because my perspective is this: karma is a bitch you don’t want to deal with, and I hope she is very fair with you. And that’s a good perspective, which actually links to the freedom of forgiveness, but somehow I have a biter slant to it. “I hope she gets you and gets you good.”

I know forgiveness is not the same as letting justice not do her thing. It is exactly about justice and karma doing their things. And that’s it. I have been trying to embrace, too, to take nothing personally (from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. That would be agreement #2). Even when people say it’s personal, call you out by your name–it’s not personal. I know it’s a projection of their own internal life. This has been freeing for me. My Mars in Leo plus my Cancer moon takes a lot of shit personally.

Somewhere, in between those truths lies forgiveness for me. I have to trust that things will be handled, divinely, for my greatest and highest good, and that beyond sticking up for myself within reason, leaving harmful situations, like this home, I can toss it up to the Universe who has it handled already.

Plus, it’s all baggage, baggage tripping me up on my way to better things.

I already spoke about desire in my last post, so no need to rehash that.

 

*Judge Judy Impatient GIF*

impatient judge judy

Timing, though, is connected to desire. The messages I’ve been receiving have been about perfect timing, waiting for the right timing, divine timing. Two posts ago, I discussed being impatient, and the Universe roared back, through oracle card readings and the tweets of people I follow, about being patient. That message has been orbiting around me for a while. I can apply that point of view to my career, but not love.

 

psst.
Sidenote: I just felt a little guilty for being so, um, me oriented. It was the Aries full moon, I swear. I did catch myself thinking today, “I’m just ready to share.

 

Ahem. Back to it…

I’m not completely resolute on anything. I feel ready for anything, for answers, for clarity. But just in writing this, two folks I follow wrote about being patient.

I’m not getting it, am I?

Universe, help me quickly, and with grace and ease, to be patient!

Lucky for this Capricorn, this season of rest will be over starting tomorrow (wow, that’s such a messed up thing, but classic Capricorn, thing to say). I feel like I’m heading back to work. Job searching can be really draining and demoralizing., but I’ve been trying to flip my dread around into hope. Maybe this time in between jobs will be different. It already feels different.

My thoughts are drifting, but everything that I read and hear has similar messages for me. Stay positive. Transformation. Wheel of Fortune. Listen to your inner intuition. Repeating numbers: (it’s 10:10 right now) 11:11, 12:12, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, and of course, 5:55.

Deep down, I wish I was more confident about these unknown times. As I said in a previous post, signs are for those who do not believe. If the confluence of people, places, and things doesn’t give me any peace, even a skywriter at this point won’t help me to believe. Faith is not easy, and it’s only cultivated and nurtured in uncertain times.

I have to forgive myself for being so weak-hearted. Life hasn’t been easy. I don’t blame myself for feeling like I’m being set up for another big fall labeled as a “life lesson.” I don’t trust easily, or sometimes I trust too easily because I don’t trust easily and I’m tired of waiting for trustworthy folks to show up. Impatience! Again!

The Universe knows I’m exhausted. I’m tired of the terrain, the repeated, bland scenery, the same scenarios playing out their dismal demises.

The Universe also knows that I’m stubborn. If I made my  way through all this muck, I’m not going to give up now. I will be gotdamn cranky as I trudge through this morass–I think of the Swamps of Sadness in the movie, The Neverending Story–but I will not give up.

So maybe I can see all these signs (including someone talking about a topic I just blogged about earlier today) as good signs? I can accept that I am on the right path–which is another recurring message I’ve heard and seen. These are like the posters and banners that people hold at a race, shouting out encouragement in big block letters. They aren’t teases or lies or empty promises. It’s the Truth, with a capital T.

So, as I wait for and work towards the perfect timing for all those good things to coalesce, I can celebrate these Truths: I’m no longer oppressed. I’m no longer powerless. I don’t have to just take shit from people just to survive.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

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Thanks for your support! 💘