Yesterday, it took about 90 minutes to be seen for a few minutes at my endocrinologist’s office. And the blame can be spread almost evenly between my doctor’s office and the endocrinologist’s.
I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and I haven’t been on medication for it since at least last year. Now that I could actually afford health insurance (HMO), I’ve been trying get my health back in order.
Long story short, because of a clerical error with my primary care physician’s office, an authorization for my visit was missing. I called that office three times and got the authorization code myself. I didn’t want to reschedule.
The endocrinologist’s office was very apologetic, and I told them that thought it wasn’t their fault.
But they should have been the ones calling, not me. 💡
It took me a few hours after returning home to realize that I had overstepped my boundaries as a patient, even though I was invited to do so.
Here’s the problem, though: I’ve been conditioned to do this, to take care of things for myself, ever since I was a child.
A few examples…
I’ve advocated for my mother more than once. I wrote my dad a letter that he should treat her better. He asked me if I wanted to talk about the letter. I said no. It wasn’t a discussion, in my opinion. It was a directive.
Also, let’s be real — my dad was an imposing figure. Almost 6 foot tall, large, had high expectations, and could talk himself out of a lot of things. I didn’t feel like having a discussion with him about how he should treat his wife and my mother was a meeting of the minds — even if my parents treated me like an equal far too often.
Many years later, I called my mother’s pastor (and my former pastor) when my father had gotten her and my brother evicted from their apartment because he had been harassing staff (he was and is mentally ill). They had even called the cops on him.
I’ve advocated for myself with my dad when I wrote a letter asking him that I hope he’d pay my college tuition bills since he had been reluctant to pay for school trips and other activities. He said he would and then he didn’t.
Those are just three examples that I can think off the top of my head. Being a firstborn child, being a leader comes easily. And your parents even rely on you to be the third parent, to help younger siblings learn how the world is.
These are #CapricornProblems.
As I’ve explained a few times on this blog, my sun and ascendant are in Capricorn, so Capricorn problems are of double import to me.
If you’re a part of what I call the “Cap Stellium Kids” group, those of you who have Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune in Capricorn (which also means you started your Saturn returns last December), you will probably recognize these situations.
What I actually don’t want to do is explain what the zodiac sign Capricorn is about. But I will say that one of Capricorn’s problems is also one of Capricorn’s strengths — resilience.
So yesterday I was offered to reschedule, which I found to be a ridiculous notion.
This was an easy error to fix. Why can’t someone just fix it?
I had scheduled this appointment weeks ago. I’m going to be out of town in a couple of weeks. I’ve waited over a year for this appointment in terms of being insured. The time was now.
So I stuck it through. I was applauded for it, although when my blood pressure was taken, it was a little high.
Of course it was. 🙄
Capricorn is known for enduring very rough conditions in childhood while succeeding in adulthood. I may as well still be a kid since things are still really hard. Even living here has conditioned me to adapt to circumstances that needed some pushback.
Simply put, the seagoat will endure a lot of things that they don’t need to, because it comes so easily for Capricorn to do.
On top of that, because of this propensity to lead, people will start to rely on Capricorn to do all the work they don’t want to do.
Another strength that can be wielded into a weakness is Capricorn’s willingness to lead–especially when there’s a vacuum in leadership.
I felt like had to take a leadership role here at home because it was getting so absurdly unstable.
This year, I sent increasing annoyed emails, texts, and letters to the owners of this house about the actively psychotic and all-around selfish jerk whom I call “the creep” because he spent a week stalking me in my own house. And things shifted only about a couple of weeks ago after one particular pointed and angry email where I basically had to tell the owner that the creep owns the house now and that she was being unfair to me.
She acted within hours of receiving the email, finally banning the creep from smoking in the house.
I put up with a lot of shit from the owners’ lack of courage and the creep’s lack of boundaries. I spent money I didn’t need to. I gave grace when I didn’t need to. I helped another resident here multiple times when I didn’t need to.
Why? Well, it was just easier to do it. I’m here. I’m of strong mind, body, and will. Let’s just get this shit done already.
But aren’t other people here, too? Why can’t they handle their own responsibilities?
Capricorn can really trust themselves, more than they will trust others. They take pride in their self-sufficiency. People who feed into this can possibly manipulate Capricorn to, again, do the things they don’t want to do.
Sure, this is a big reason why Capricorn can be seen as controlling. But then Capricorn looks at the world, so undone and teeming with chaos. Saturn rules Capricorn, and being a child of Saturn, Capricorn loves and craves stability and order.
Especially when my world is covered in chaos, taking charge and getting things done for myself is something I love to do — and maybe, a side benefit is to shame those who refuse to do what they need to be doing.
Yet it’s interesting that neither doctor’s office yesterday felt any shame that I had to do their jobs for them.
So that’s the double-edged sword of being self-sufficient: it can end up cutting back against you.
And this hasn’t happened much in my relationships, but this sort of obstinate self-sufficiency could block love and care from others.
The Capricorn child who is left to fend for herself, who then takes pride in taking care of herself, her parents, and her siblings, may have a really tough time receiving that same love, care, and devotion from her partner, family, and friends.
Ultimately, I feel that Capricorn has to learn: just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
For me, this is a lifelong lesson with boundaries. There are so many questions that I need to ask myself when faced with someone’s dereliction of duty.
- Is this short-term win worth it in the long run?
- Am I training people to be lazy and irresponsible if I come in and save the day?
- Have I expressed my needs clearly enough?
- If I leave this alone, will the world actually end?
- Is forcing my will here the right thing to do for me first, and for everyone else next?
I find Capricorn to be extremely willful and resourceful and have a propensity to try to solve all problems–because Capricorn at least believes he can’t.
But, he can’t.
Capricorn can be a lot like Atlas, carrying the world on his shoulders. We can also be like Sisyphus, rolling this boulder of responsibility up and down the never-ending hills of life.
But whose world is that? Whose boulder is being pushed? Is it really mine?
Additionally, we could be blocking the lessons others need to learn when we just swoop in and try to save the day.
Tomorrow, I will write letters to both doctor’s offices and fire both doctors. I have enough of the world to carry because when I have to do your job, then you need to be fired.
Back to my housing situation…
There’s a lot of things I’ve let go of being unchanging here, like the cleanliness of the house. The microwave is disgusting, and usually this would drive me mad.
But no one is dying, including me. So dirty it will stay until I leave.
Still, there’s a lot of absurdity here that I have to live with because the owners like money more than my customer satisfaction.
So I can only care about myself here, and no one else.
Let things fall into chaos around me. It is not my responsibility. And it never ever really was.
And of course, people will push back when you decide to mind your own business a little more. People who relied on you to be their eyes, ears, and hands will pout and put the blame on you.
Eventually, you’ll just need to walk away from it all.
So the only thing I know is that I won’t have to endure it for long. The plan this year is to move out. It’ll take some focus, endurance, luck, and a miracle or two.
But that’s one thing that Capricorn can do so well — time travel into the future and then return back and create the steps to make the future he desires a reality.
There could be so much more I could accomplish if I used my skills of resilience, and the deep I have in myself, for the right causes, for the reasons.
What dreams are waiting in the wings as I continue to focus on the wrong things? The petty things?
The needless things.
Just because Capricorn can endure doesn’t mean Capricorn should.
So sometimes, true strength and resilience requires the courage to let go, to let entropy decide the consequences, to look inward and create stability and order within oneself.
I am not responsible for the world.
So let the world fall apart and fall back together as it should.
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