a mind slip into a spiritual awakening

alain de botton SOM

For now, I don’t have to pay attention to these sounds.

The sounds from the street outside. The squealing of brake dust. The release of air brakes. Engines revving and zooming away. Cars, SUVs, school buses, vans, delivery trucks, tow trucks–all a part of the noise that can inhabit my street.

It was all in fear of having my car taken back by the lender. Months of straining my ears to hear what was going on, along with sometimes obsessively looking in the driveway to see if my car was still there. I had started to not do this so much anymore.

But then when it happened last Thursday morning, I was dead asleep for once. It was the best sleep I had had in weeks, especially since one chronically coughing old man had moved out and another chronically coughing old man moved in earlier this month.

I thought I was on top of things, but it feels like my car, again, slipped through my fingers. I thought I had paid this month and I hadn’t. I never forget paying bills, so why, on such a precarious precipice, would I forget this month?

I found out about the repo because I was going to go get some breakfast and was bounding outside the door to see my worst fear had happened. It was startling. I’m glad I didn’t see it because it may have broken me. It’s like my car vanished into thin air.

I instantly slammed the door (nosy neighbor across the street) and took off my sunglasses and started walking back to my room. I knew what to do, since my life has seemingly bounced from one crisis to the next. Get in touch with the harassing lender and find out what I needed to do.

Unlike last time, they are not asking for the whole loan. They just want the past due payments plus what I think it some towing and storage fees. It’s about $1600. If I can’t get it by this Saturday, then it’s $2000 until the 10th. I have time, but time is slippery.

Whether I get to keep my car (fundraiser here) or not doesn’t even seem to be the point. It’s been an odd spiritual awakening–but then aren’t they all odd? Even if you go seeking out a spiritual awakening, how it’s triggered is never in the way you’d expect or arrange for yourself. So here are a few things that I’ve learned in the past few days.

My online community may not be as strong as I thought it was. I was just telling a friend online today that Twitter isn’t the same anymore. I’ve tweeted out this fundraiser hundreds of times since November and it just hasn’t gotten far. There could be a number of reasons why, but I realize that these connections, although some of them are great, are a bit tenuous. It’s the largest one I have, but it’s not the same as an offline community. I’ve come to peace that my financial instability makes it hard to have an offline community, but the online one not being so hot either? It’s sobering, and slowly devastating. But online life is changing, so it’s hard to

I am really not my circumstances, and I really believe it now. For some reason, having and owning a car seemed to be some point of pride for me, but connected to #1, no one really cares either way, so why should I? I had been listening to Paula Cole last week and I love her song, “Me,” and here is the first verse:

I am not the person who is singing,
I am the silent one inside.
I am not the one who laughs at people’s jokes,
I just pacify their egos.
I am not my house, my car or my songs,
They are only stops along my way.
I am like the winter, I’m a dark cold female,
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave.

I’m not any of my possessions or my bank account–I can get Fight Club about it, too, but really–I’m none of these things. I’m not even any community. I’m me. So it’s not about the car, especially since this happened in a sort of surprising, out-of-character way. I’m not seeking a lesson to soothe myself. I’m seeking the lesson to evolve–or the lesson is seeking me. Or both.

Another great quote on this topic, by poet Nayyirah Waheed: “Where you are is not who you are.”

I am not alone. And this has to do with the spiritual realm. There are angels, spirit guides, and ancestors all with me, cheering me on, providing comfort and guidance. Maybe starting last Friday or Saturday, it really became apparent that this car that I had been so tightly holding onto–and for good reason because there is no real reliable public transit–is gone for now, but it’s not the end of the world. I have faced the end of the world before and overcame it.

I have many people praying for me, people I don’t even know (I asked a lot of contemplative nuns to pray for me–it’s their job!). The mystery of prayer is one I want to delve back into. It helps me not to sit in a stressed out state, thinking that worry is some sort of work (it is and it isn’t). I gave this up to the Universe to handle and then it made me realize…

Although I ask for help often now, I don’t ask for spiritual assistance enough. And I really should. Sure, I consult my astrological transits and tarot cards, but I don’t do enough of, “Universe, I’m struggling with this. Can you help me?” I kind of threw the prayer bathwater out with the evangelical baby, but I have since reclaimed it

Even though I’m not sure how this will turn out, I keep getting messages about not losing faith, not giving up, about believing, about asking for what I want. I’m swimming in some deep, spiritually synchronistic waters, and I have been changed. Last time when I lost my car, it was just anguish. This time, I can see how much I’ve spiritually grown to where I know that although my social life is non-existent, I still have everything I need to get out of this jam.

Maybe it’ll look like a different car, or no car for some time, or I’ll get the money in time. I know what I’ve asked for and I believe the best will happen for me. Even when I waver with doubts, I can ask, “Universe, help me with the doubt!” And it works!

As I have gone after my dream of becoming a writer, I have it not “together” for years. But, I’m so grateful that I’m finally able to draw the line between me and my circumstances. I’m even loved and supported through my circumstances, loved and supported through the shame of my circumstances, and loved and supported despite my circumstances.

I am not my smoker’s cough roommate or my small bedroom or the increasingly dirty kitchen stained with coffee or my empty driveway or the rebel flag I have to drive past every time I leave this neighborhood.

I am not the paranoid listener of the streets outside.

I’m me, and I deserve love, compassion, and help.

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Mud walk

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThis was from October 19, 2016. I’m starting to feel like Wednesdays are energetically a no for me. 😆

Today has been unusually hard. Energetically, it feels like the Swamps of Sadness from The NeverEnding Story, which I was talking about in my last post. There’s some funny money business that has been a bear to handle, and I haven’t really been enjoying this funemployment lately. Even after meditating, I still feel like emotionally encased in crud.

When I was pulling cards today, I had what may be my first non-literal interpretation. Three times, kids and parenting came up. It was puzzling. Yes, I feel like I’m beginning anew, birthing something new in my life. Yes, I would like kids in the very near future. But no, neither of these are burning passions right now. The #1 thing I want right this very instant is steady income and benefits with a job that doesn’t suck. That seems to be a tall order here in Florida, but it is a rather poor state (it’s based on tourism, and those jobs, for the most part, suck and have the sucky pay along with it). I have Capricorn concerns, Venusian concerns,  but not like Empress or even Queen of Pentacles concerns.

I was going to meet up with a former colleague today for coffee. She bumped up the time an hour–no big deal, no real schedule these days. Then she calls, and I missed her call. She texted that her child threw up at school and that she’ll need to stay with them tomorrow, too. Can we reschedule? It’s a bummer, but sure, of course, hope the child feels better, enjoy the rest of your week, blah blah blah.

It’s not a coincidence. I’m pretty sure it’s not. If it is, it’s still eerie.

I do empathize but not fully understand sick child woes. I hope one day I do, but this has been the second time a sick child caused a meeting to be rescheduled.

I need more childless friends, for now.

So, that scuttling of plans didn’t help my trudging through my day. I did apply for one job today. My ancient (read almost 4 years old) laptop was running hot all day. I’m actually typing this on my ancient 4th gen. iPad. The one job that I’m excited for is one that requires a lot of thoughtful questions, like 20 of them. I’d finally be in management, as an editor, if I got it. The work culture seems to be a good match. They want caring people, seriously! I need the career stretch, so badly. I’m the only weirdo I know who is passionate about motivating and supporting people in employment, as a manager, because I know what not to do. So, tomorrow, Goddess willing, I will be focusing on that application all day. Send good vibes and prayers if you can!

Beyond that, beyond what may be the harsh conjunction of Mars and Pluto in Capricorn, or the moon in Gemini which, boy, scattered thoughts anyone?…applying for jobs doesn’t make me happy. OK, it doesn’t ANYONE happy, but I feel like I was driving in reverse all day. This is becoming tougher emotionally than I thought it would be. Yes, the looming pressure of paying bills is there–I know how to handle that a bit. But it’s more like the looming unknown of my life and my calling.

Here’ what I’d rather be doing:

  • Blogging about my life
  • Chatting about life with others, as a side by side support
  • Traveling and taking killer photos

But I know I have to explore all options right now. Or do I know that? That’s what I feel lead to do.

The Swamps of Sadness are real, though. I felt like this yesterday, too. It feels uncomfortable to be waiting, although actively, for a lot of things in my life. I feel vulnerable and not safe–but I am safe. I got angels, ancestors, guides I’ve never met, friends rooting for me…

It’s not depression, but I do feel that I’m releasing old hurts. The funny money stuff reminded me of where I was two years ago at this time. I was probably at a friend’s house, for a book study, but also homeless, bouncing around the city via Airbnb. I did not feel safe and honestly, I hadn’t had time to process how horrible it was. My mind knows, but even with copious amounts of gratitude to my mother who helped me, I was literally so unmoored, and frankly, so hurt that I didn’t really have anyone except myself. It’s not the type of self-reliance that I wanted to hone more of. I’ve been in plenty of harrowing situations. This autumn of 2014 felt like the thick shit icing on the shit cake I had to eat because of grad school.

Two years later, I’m in a home, with coughing old white guys and a woman who cooking horribly smelling food, but I have an address. I have money. I have friends–maybe not locally, but definitely more quality friends globally. I’m grateful. I’m on the brink of something big, and it’s bigger than just a job, or even a calling, or finding a life partner and starting a family.

The shitty part of my life is over. Cue the hallelujah chorus!

I really hope I don’t regret those words, but that’s how I feel. Even if circumstances get hairy again, I feel spiritually stronger and wiser for having gone through the last few years down in these swamps of  Florida (which may be their own swamps of sadness, truly). What has been triggering today was feeling like I was going back to an old mindset.

Nothing ever goes my way. Everything is hard. No one cares about me. No one recognizes my hard work. Nothing is ever going to change for the better.

These constant companions in my mind have started to take their leave from my mind. They are being replaced with thoughts are a tad more positive.

You got this. You have the experience. You are sparkling right now. The right people are coming into your life. You needed this rest. Keep healing up. The angels have your back, so ask them for help! Even your grandmother is looking out for you. You are getting so close to what you truly desire. Don’t quit now.

That last one…that has always been there.  And that I was feeling near death less than two months ago, like my world was coming to an end, that I was getting sucked back into Fall 2014 and its despair.

So, even though I was making my way through this morass of sadness today, I knew that this wasn’t going to last forever–even if despair will lie and say it will.

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