resisting emotional erosion

feels.gif

The GIF above demonstrates my internal feeling state. I’ve always just assumed that this is how I’ll always be, that it’s as persistent as a personality trait. But lately I’ve been questioning that belief.

“Highly sensitive” is one way to describe this phenomenon. Empathic is another. Yet another is emotional overexcitability.

“Overexcitability” is a giftedness term. The following is from an article on overexcitabilities by Sharon Lind, a gifted education expert, consultant, and speaker:

Overexcitabilities (OEs) are inborn, heightened abilities to receive and respond to stimuli. They are expressed in increased sensitivity, awareness, and intensity. Each form of overexcitability points to a higher than average sensitivity of its receptors.

And I need to take a little side trip here: when it comes to hearing the term “gifted,” most people are familiar with the intellectual OE. But there are four others: emotional, imaginational, psychomotor, and sensual.

This is how Lind describes emotional overexcitability:

Emotional OE is […] is reflected in heightened, intense feelings, extremes of complex emotions, identification with others’ feelings, and strong affective expression (Piechowski, 1991). […] Emotionally overexcitable people have a remarkable capacity for deep relationships; they show strong emotional attachments to people, places, and things (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977). They have compassion, empathy, and sensitivity in relationships. This sensitivity may lead to interpersonal conflict about the depth, or lack of depth, in a relationship.

Astrological sidenote: Astrologically, I can explain the phenomenon of being emotional overexcitability as having a full moon in Cancer conjoined with a Jupiter retrograde in Cancer. Big, internalized feels.

The moon represents our emotions and our core, primal needs. Jupiter is an expansive planet, which can also pertain to big ideas (see: religion and philosophy). But for the sake of this post, consider it as an intensifier or expander.

The moon rules Cancer, and the moon transits through each sign every 2.5 days or so. So if you want to understand why your Cancer friends are moody, they’re experiencing personality shifts (of sorts), 12 times every month!

A full moon in Cancer is probably as moony as you could get, with maybe full moon in Taurus could be more, since the moon is exalted, or an honored guest, in Taurus.

I haven’t really felt like I could control how I feel about certain things, or for how long. Cancerian folks are known to remember everything, and that includes hurts and slights. But it also can be the more pleasant experiences in life.

But the holding onto hurts, frankly, has gotten annoying in my older age. There’s only so much brain space and heart space that I have. I don’t want to hold onto to old, dead things that cannot be revived or changed.


Although this month has brought a lot of inner peace and stability, even though my circumstances are still unstable, I haven’t wanted to go along for the ride anymore.

I’ve been playing this game online with others, and I kinda got thrown under the bus because I refused to do something stupid – even though everyone was asking me to do it. I watched as this dude was talking to these other people who were not a part of our group about me, but not by name.

That did piss me off and I vented to a friend about it. He wanted me to talk to the group about it. I’m probably going to leave because it’s a bit of an unorganized shitshow, but I was so annoyed earlier that I was dreaming about it. 

I wanted to play a game to have fun, not dream about the terrible group dynamics.

I cared too much.

So instead of confront thing guy talk shit to virtual stranges, I decided to just at vent for a limited amount of time because I was really heated. I really like winning.

At the same time, I could have left after this incident, but I feel intensely loyal. Yet it hasn’t even been two weeks – which is a great reason to leave, actually.

That was three days ago. Now I feel alright. I’m still on the fence about leaving, but I’m not dreaming about the gameplay or seething in anger. By the end of the that day, I was fine. And that choice – to vent for a little bit and then leave it alone – never seemed possible to me before until recently.


Another moment that took me off guard was seeing social media updates from a few friends about romantic relationships that I had no idea about or that I barely knew about and still didn’t know about.

There was an initial pang of sadness that I didn’t know, but then it melted into resolve, into that newer aphorism of “whatever is meant for you will not pass you by.”

The sadness comes from being closer once upon a time and now knowing that I was primarily close to these people because I continuously reached out. And that is exhausting.

Cancer moon folks really love to nurture and to serve, and I overextended that part of myself, not just with these people, but with everyone. And although I really love to serve, I do deserve to get as good as I give.

It does really suck that I’m not as close as I want to be with these folks, but at the same time, no one is really reaching out to me. But life goes on and the spaces that have become open can be filled with folks who do reach out, people I don’t have to be so open so soon with.

Before, seeing those updates would have rolled me into a major avalanche of sorrow and shame. It wasn’t even that I’m still single and they’re not anymore – thank goodness, because that’s another level of hell I need to spare myself from. It was just that the connection had faded from something strong and steady to practically non-existent.

But for the most part, I was the one carrying the current, ensuring that the line stayed open. Now, that energy that was moving towards them can return back to me.


Strong emotional attachments to people…it’s a heavy torch to carry, and I have never questioned that it was the right thing to do until last year. The way I was reacting to how awful 2018 was for me, it was making things worse, in a way that made life intolerable to live.

Taking a long social media break was the hard reset I needed. I needed to face, and embrace, that most people are never going to care about me as much or as deeply as I care about them. That still stings, to admit that to myself and to you mostly anonymous but valued readers. But it’s the truth, a truth that comes with choices.

So if most people aren’t going to care that much, if at all, then I get to choose who I give all this caring to. 

Some longtime mutual follower on Twitter unfollowed me this week and I was faced with a choice. Am I going to wallow in self-introspection, wondering which tweet of mine pissed her off enough to unfollow? Or am I just going to unfollow back, feel a little sad about it, and move on? I chose option #2.

I can’t just say, “it’s just social media” or “it’s just the internet”. There are real people who are at the end of these pixels, people with real feelings and desires. The internet is a powerful way to connect with people just like you.

As I was trying to explain two posts ago, I know that I’ve tried to make everyone close to me. It’s not a bug, though – it’s a feature of someone whose moon is in her 7th house of partnership.

But I don’t have to apply this feature to every single person I find likable. 


With the people who have gone last year, you may be wondering why I’m not trying to reconnect with anyone. I know from reading MWF Seeking BFF that friendship does involve a lot of initiating, which is something that comes and goes with me.

But with all the people who have faded or disappeared, I was a different person choosing then. In 2018, I could see myself catch up to the changes I had wanted to make in myself. And that could be why a lot of people left. Transition does that, causes relationships to shift or just plain ol’ die.

So ultimately, it all comes down to what I value in myself and in others. If I value myself, then I value my feelings, as broad and plenteous as they are.

But I don’t have to be swamped by my feelings. I can choose to engage in the swirling eddies, and I can jump out when it becomes too much.

In her article, Lind goes on to say that folks with emotional OEs need to accept all feelings as is, regardless of intensity. And that’s something that society has been trying to force me not to do since I’ve been alive.

And I’ve been helping in that effort to suppress my feelings. I’ve been biting my tongue. I’ve been holding space. I’ve been over-intuiting. I’ve been “anticipating needs”.

I’ve been bloody miserable.


It’s hard to interrupt automatic processes until something or someone else does. For me, it was the hellscape that was 2018. The way I was coping, self-berating which lead into abject hopelessness…well, if I was actually interested in living, this was not a way to live.

I made a lot of things that weren’t really about me about me.

And now that 2018 is over, and I’ve made a real concerted effort to not take 2018 with me into this year, I have more of a bird’s-eye view of my life. And that view gives me a better sense of control over how I see it. Being immersed in the everyday highs and lows can feel overwhelming.

But really, a lot of this stuff just isn’t that serious. And that’s a welcomed relief.

I don’t have to keep reacting in the same ways to the same people. But it can be so hard to break lifelong patterns. There’s a comfort in the ordinary lives we make for ourselves, even if they’re seeping with things we don’t necessarily need or even like.

I know, trust, and believe that the people who have left are not the only ones in the world for me to know and love. There are people who aren’t going to be weirded out by my emotional intensity, people who, in fact, love and will revel in it.

I don’t have to be so desperate. I don’t have to seek my ultimate security within relationships, even my natal chart is like…um, yeah, girl, that’s how you roll. I feel like I’ve been able to seek it within, more and more.

That isn’t to say that I haven’t been wanting to be a part of something close. I honor those pangs of longing, but I don’t have them dictate my identity anymore. I just let them inform me as to what I’m valuing at the time.

I’ve been choosing poorly because I haven’t valued my journey enough, and a lot of it is marked by abandonment.


I’ve been revisiting a book on recovering from abandonment, and it’s not that even feel that abandoned anymore…but I have in the past, and I want to lick this wound so I don’t make bad choices in the future. If you’ve ever had a bad breakup you can’t seem to get over, then I highly recommend that book and any others by Susan Anderson.

One thing the book talks about is how feelings of abandonment aren’t meant to be feared, even though they are at the core of all of us. We can better handle when people unexpectedly leave us. We don’t have to haunt the graveyards of our past relationships forever. We can return to the land of the living.


I’m still on my The Divine Comedy kick, and this song, “Love What You Do” has become a bit of an anthem. The band/Neil Hannon doesn’t usually sounds like this (but I tell you, that look he has circa 2001 is still somehow the aesthetic I prefer! 🤣). It’s a lot more orchestral and lush. He’d be a great lounge singer, and I mean that with all respect and affection.

Musical sidenote: This sound is Nigel Godrich’s doing, the famous producer who has worked with Radiohead and Thom Yorke’s solo work. And if this sounds like Kid A and Amnesiac, then you have a good ear, because this album, Regeneration, was created right after those two.

Fangirling for foreign boys and the lovely bass groove of the song aside, it’s the lyrics that stick with me.

Hannon can get very clever and literary with his lyrics (e.g., he has one song just listing out a bunch of authors). But this is pretty straightforward, maybe even too straightforward for his arch lyrical style:

If you want it, you can have it
If you need it, go and get it
Whatever it is you’ve got to love it

That’s the chorus. The song is basically like: live your life, don’t let yourself get in your own way, and don’t settle for shit that you don’t love.

It’s interesting how strangers can sometimes give us permission do to the things we need to do, like live a life that isn’t steeped in misery and heartache. Like wow, there’s a different choice I can make here.

This song somehow became a permission slip to embrace the beautiful parts of life, however brief – and that includes feeling good and thinking about the people who allow me to be my full, “too much”, loquacious, overly sensitive, multi-faceted self.

And, I don’t need to wait to be open to the good and to express those feelings. I don’t have to keep fixing myself to be acceptable. 

#SmartThingsASuperScorpioTaughtMe


So what do I want and need? To let go. I choose to hope for things to get better – however cautiously I’m doing that right now.

I want and need to let these intense feelings rise, crest, and fall. I choose to not let the feelings carve into me like some sort of wearying tidal emotional erosion.

I want and need to be separate from my feelings, for these messengers to not be little tyrants I try to stuff down and hide, controlling me from the inside.

Even more so, despite that I’ve had to separate myself from mostly everyone (and vice versa), I want and need the right people to be around me. And I don’t have to try to contort myself to be overly accommodating, patient, and sometimes obsequious. I can be patient with myself, with the unfolding of ourselves.

I can look at being alone and be content while still desiring community and a partner that finds all of this ever so charming, not something to be withstood or tolerated.

Separation and loss and isolation: all of that can still feel bad and at sometimes excruciating, but that doesn’t have to be my complete story, as it has been for the past few years.

I want and need to lay down the resentment, shame, and bitterness of this decade, of this life. And based on how I feel right now, it looks like I’ve gotten closer to getting those wants and needs met.


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cold mercury nights

Mercury_in_color_-_Prockter07-edit1

Enhanced-color image of Mercury from first MESSENGER flyby

Just spent the past two days learning about the solar system and then writing about it.

One interesting thing I learned about the planet Mercury is that it has no atmosphere. So the temperature fluctuations range 1100 degrees, from 800F during the day to -280F at night. That makes Venus the hottest planet in the solar system.

And maybe this is a metaphor for 2018, that I’ve had a cold Mercury night when I thought day was approaching. Of course, I don’t want a hot Mercury day, either. 

I don’t want extremes. I need atmosphere.

When I lived in Chicago, I remembered learning that the bright sunny days of winter would actually be colder than the more frequent cloudy days.

The clouds kept the heat in.

Having an atmosphere not only keeps temperatures more even, it protects you from cosmic radiation and solar winds. A lot more protects us from that, too–like the magnetosphere, Van Allen radiation belts, and the Sun’s heliosphere.

(Don’t worry, I’m not extending this metaphor any further from the atmosphere.)

This year especially, it seems that I had no atmosphere. It was so extreme. And it’s only been about a month of having life the cover of an atmosphere.

And quicksilver astrological Mercury, with their quick turns of fate…still under that foolywang shadow until Christmas Eve…

A bit of a sidenote, really, but it still relates to not having an atmosphere…just the other day while writing (not here), I really was feeling myself. I felt the muses were having a party and just releasing all these great things for me to say.

And I thought my audience was feeling me, too. This is the good shit.

I’m still not sure if I’m what crickets I’m hearing–of busyness, of embarrassment, or of revulsion.

But boy, are the crickets so fucking loud.

I thought the sun was rising on Mercury, but it was a false alarm. I’m still choking in the airless cold.

And today I had a reading with my favorite intuitive, just to see where I’ve ended up on this craptastic voyage. And it’s as I thought–still a little banged up, still looking back at the past as if those catastrophic fires could bring any warmth to me now.

But, whatever internal shrieks and shouts that were a constant din in the back of my mind have now been quieted. For now, building a new atmosphere has been about creating a place of stability and shutting everything and everyone else out that didn’t contribute to that.

(I had always been focused on the former, but never got to the latter.)

So this is even beyond just creating an atmosphere where I can breathe, where it’s not a hostile or harsh environment for me to live.

It’s about world-building.

So what do I want?

For now, I just want to not feel so deflated. It’s not even about healing up anymore. During that reading today, I released a lot of old shit from this year. I had already energetically released a lot in some other ritual earlier last week.

One thing the reader kept saying, it’s done, it’s over.

Well, that’s the thing about trauma, isn’t it? The events may be over, but now is the time actually start the reckoning, within your body.

I’ve been lucky and fortunate to have that happen already. Now it’s about getting up off the floor, fixing my face, and heading in some sort of direction.

And guess who’s leading the brigade into someplace new? My heart.

Oh, how precious.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next–vocationally, relationally, or in any way. Well, except that I have a lot of work to do this week, of which I am grateful to have.

Beyond that, I’ve figured out what I want generally already. I just haven’t been able to get it yet.

But since my mind can’t be the one leading the Pleasure Parade here, then it’s good that I have a few things in mind that I want to accomplish–just no new plan on how to get them.

Capricorn season starts when the work week ends, on Friday evening, and it’s funny to go into that season sans a plan.

I don’t have a feeling of adventure. But I don’t have a feeling of dread.

I can’t think ahead to anything pleasurable, not even my birthday. Turning 41 feels like another step towards death (because it is, because every waking moment is), but this blog post is not (solely?) about that part of my mid-life angst.

Today I was told that I needed to have more fun and not be so hard on myself–ageless advice for me. And to connect with others–that part I’m working in new ways…but I still feel like the long, cold night is one I should get used to instead of preparing to leave for a more habitable planet.

It’s hard for me not to think–oooh girl, if you try to do anything new, then you’ll get the same disappointing results. 

And it’s not true.

I’m listening to this Elton John vs. Pnau song called “Phoenix” (I can’t believe I didn’t know this album existed until about maybe a couple of weeks ago, and it’s been out for six years).

I’ve definitely died and have been reborn. I have to trust in this regenerative process. I have to trust in the results–the results of me, being a different, wiser person.

It takes bravery to seek a better world, to get up and try again and again and again, to keep seeking, knocking, finding.

And, I know I’ve lost my nerve (which is a new thing for me)…or I’ve had it stripped from me. Hearing how flat my affect was on the phone today, feeling waves of enthusiasm and passion wash over me like lukewarm oatmeal…

*sigh*

But as I told the intuitive, I can only take things day by day.

But sadly, like a true, tortured Capricorn, I’ve felt guilty about any breaks or fun I’ve had. I can’t allow myself to have fun along the way.

So I keep putting it off until I’m done with work…or, I end up revolting and playing around for hours.

It’s like how you can’t really hold your own breath to die because usually your body will just kick in and allow you to breath.

Maybe I should stop holding my breath, though…

And yet somehow, I’m still not as productive as I could be–and that isn’t the workaholic talking, just the realist. All that avoidance and sacrifice, and there’s only misery.

As I preached to the cricket choir a couple of weeks ago–it’s not about ending the misery, per se. It’s about enjoying the good times when they come.

Admittedly (and thankfully), I’ve gotten better at that. But now I have to start being more proactive about creating those times, when possible–and not be afraid to make that an aim.

It makes me meta-sad that having fun frightens me. And it’s not even the “there’s no one to have fun with here” problem–that’s a whole other existential hell. 

Part of it is…wait, how do I do that again? And another part is, well, I want to do something musical…how do I do that? By myself? With whom?

Some of it is the scarier thought that I’ve lost pleasure in most things, which I don’t think is entirely true–I hope not. But that’s one sign of depression, which I wouldn’t blame me for being. 

But it’s more like–everything has changed, including me. So what I found pleasure in has changed. I have to figure some of that out, along with getting reconnected with what still works.

And, now that I’m older, I hear that ticking clock of death more loudly. 

What are you doing with your time? What are you doing that’s worthwhile?

It’s a lot of pressure to live up to, especially with Capricorn fantasies of legacy and longevity. I’m lucky to get out of bed in the morning with such mounting pressures to live up to.

I’ve been grinding at work for a few weeks. It has helped me to eat and keep a roof over my head. It’s helped to quell the pangs of feeling unsafe and uncared for.

But I’ve hit an emotional wall with the “all work, no play”–and thankfully, it’s during a week that should be a lot easier than previous weeks.

Ah, so much babbling, but it all boils down to this–I’ve known what I’ve wanted for years, but I’m not sure if I should keep wanting it or if I need to do something entirely different.

Do all these roadblocks me keep going or find a new path? I sincerely don’t know.

But, I will–I can trust in this eventuality, wholeheartedly.

I just can’t use the ole tinker to do it–have to use the ole ticker instead. 

What’s scary, and at the same time liberating, is that there’s possibly no right answer except for what I prefer.

I’ve known so many lonely, cold Mercury nights and blistering hot Mercury days.

But it’s time for a change.

I need real atmosphere…


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Work With Me and Book A Reading

book a reading

This week’s blog post, my friends, will be considerably short. And that’s especially because I wrote a long, cathartic post for my patrons on Patreon last night.

If you want to read it (because it includes an update on the human trashbag tenant, as well as a follow-up to this post on better listening, then you’ll want to sign up for the $10/month tier.

I wanted to formally and officially tell you about about the astrology and tarot services that I am offering here on sunoppositemoon.com.

But first, you may be asking — well, why are you providing these services now? If you’ve been reading this blog for a bit, maybe it won’t be a surprise. I do talk about astrology and tarot a lot here.

Even still, it’s because of a couple of reasons.

The first is that I had an intuitive reading a couple of weeks ago that really encouraged me to use my own intuitive gifts. This website was recently already upgraded to do that, but I didn’t have in mind to do this for my blog.

I’ve been studying tarot and astrology for a few years now, and have really upped my game with my studies in the past couple of years. I officially launched on July 2, 2018.

The second is that I’ve already provided astrology and tarot readings to people, so I thought it was also time to offer these readings officially.

So I have three readings. The first is the Natal Chart Reading, and I’d strongly suggest this if you are new to astrology. I break down what your natal chart is like, house by house. It’ll give you a sense of what you’re working with astrologically. You’ll probably learn new things about yourself or understand why you do things or see things a particular way.

The second reading is the Stellar Weather Report, and this is great if you already have a decent sense of what your natal chart is and you’re concerned about upcoming planetary transits, such as the recent partial solar eclipse/new moon in Cancer from July 12, 2018, or the upcoming total lunar eclipse/full moon in Aquarius that will happen on July 27, 2018. I’ll look at how the transit affects you and what you can do to get the most out of it.

The third reading is a Tarot Reading. So we consult the cards together about what questions you may have. I’m more into providing prescriptive than predictive guidance, meaning I want to help you with your life as it is right now vs. peering into the future.

The future is unknown and circumstances and choices may change after a reading–which is really important to keep in mind. BUT I’m not 100% against forecasting. I just don’t know if you’ll get that job or if your significant other will come back.

So those are my readings so far, and I’d love to work with you. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. Once you pay for your reading, I’ll contact you with either my calendar of when we can have a chat or when I’ll email you your reading.

And if you’re into astrology and tarot, you should be following me on Twitter, where I talk more about those topics in depth, as well as retweet and engage with my favorite astrologers and tarot readers.

That’s it, my lovelies. I hope you have a wonderful week!

I’m curious, if you’re into astrology or tarot, tell me what your sun sign is and/or tell me what your favorite tarot card is and why in the comments!

squirm, squirm, squirm

earth is our chrysalis SOM

It’s a long, cloudy, and tired Sunday.

It’s also, besides the creep’s punctuations of chronic smoker’s cough, a quiet afternoon.

This week, I’ll be taking a big leap faith that I’ve ever taken–and I’ll talk about what that is when I return. I’m not scared or apprehensive, but I’m not curious or hopeful.

I feel neutral and sober, tinged with a bit of swirling, ineffable disappointment (and I wish I could talk about that more openly. But I just at least wanted to mention and honor it).

This week, Uranus wraps up its seven-year-long transit in Aries, with all the upheaval and loss and discomfort that’s been brought to my home. And boy, am I glad. This sojourn into darkness has been transformative, but I’m not yet sure who I’ve become.

This uncertain, unpredictable planet moves into Taurus on Tuesday, moving into my sector of children, creativity, and romance. I am excited about that, but I also feel so tired.

Still, despite my soul’s exhaustion, I wanted to mark it with this long-awaited momentous occasion with an exploration into a possible new life.

And for right now, I don’t have much to lose, nor do I have all the answers. I just have months and months of signs, pointing me in an unlikely direction.

What’s strange about all this is how my faith in the Universe, and myself, has deepened through this strange season. There has been confirmation that this is the way to go.

I actually did a reading about this and was surprised by what I saw, mainly because it was so positive. I basically asked what was this week going to look like.

 

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This is from the Psychic Tarot app by John Holland.

Overall, that there are three Major Arcana cards means that this week is definitely significant.

The first card, Rejoice in Celebration, is traditionally known as the 3 of Cups. It’s the party with your friends card. I hope that will be happening. This card has been stalking me a little bit lately, and I’d love to have something to really celebrate, with friends.

The second card, Harmony, is traditionally known as The Lovers. I think that’s partly literal as the picture shows, partly harmony with everything, and partly about choices I need to make.

The third card, Wisdom, is traditionally known as The Hierophant. One of the things I’m exploring does have to do with higher education. But this could also be about finding my group of like-minded people (as the app suggests). I believe it’s a bit of both, overlapping.

The fourth card, New Beginnings, is traditionally known as The Fool. This is card, with the number 0 marks the beginning of the journey through the Major Arcana, which ends with card #21, The World.

I’ve seen The Fool come up a few times. The message here is pretty literal. I am searching for a new beginning, and the Universe is affirming this will happen.

Even if you’re familiar with tarot, the fifth card may be unfamiliar to you, the Heart Chakra. It’s unique to the Psychic Tarot, which has cards for all the chakras, from the red root chakra to the fuschia crown chakra.

This card reminds me that this journey will be lead by my heart. If you look at the first two cards, the color green is prominent. In the Harmony card, the hands pressed together are surrounded in a glowing green.

It seems that my heart will definitely get involved with people–known and unknown–in a really affirming, positive way this week. ETA: This tarot reading from Elizabeth Harper this week seems to echo the reading I did for myself.

Then why do I still feel so sad?

Because the distance between this reading and my current reality seems impossibly far and wide.

Enter my leap of faith (a phrase, which, by the way, stalked me for a while, too).

It could also be that today, in the final two days of this horrendously humiliating Uranus in Aries transit, I can finally cry about how hard it’s been.

There’s space to let the grief in and out.

Things right now are really bad, and that’s been a long-running theme–one I’ve become eneverated from.

It’s been strange, though. I have these moments where the awfulness of my life’s circumstances doesn’t drown me anymore. I can see myself apart from it all, not identified with my circumstances.

Even as I’m sad now, I can say that there’s still a bit of separation. I really am not my circumstances. And it’s taken a lot of work to get here, for me to be able to say that and believe it.

Yet sometimes, the absurdity of how bad things are really takes my breath away.

I still really can’t believe that I live with a racist, mentally ill, leathery bag of bones who makes my soul’s flesh crawl in disgust. And that it’s been over a year of this insanity, in my own home.

If I wasn’t so disgusted by this, I’d write it about it more, because it’s a really fucked up story, one that could only happen because people enable this terrible person.

I have no idea how I’ve made it here and have kept my sanity…except I’ve been in absurdly awful places before. Yet I only started going to therapy this past February because I knew I needed to leave, that this place wasn’t going to get better.

But really, I cannot wait to never see this house or that person ever again. Yet sometimes, it feels like I will never leave…

Still, my resilience astounds and frustrates me.

I ask myself and the Universe those really useless, unanswerable questions: What have I done to deserve this? Why is this happening, still? What am I doing wrong? 

And as that reading shows, I’m not doing anything wrong. I can show you reading after reading, from me and from others, which show a way out of this goddamn mess.

Still, as I squirm in this straitjacket of a chrysalis, as I feel exhausted from pushing out this new life (just one more good push, love–you can do it…)…well, that’s it, really.

I have to keep going.

Yet today, it feels good to stop for a little bit, to rest, to have some self-compassion for myself, to let myself cry over the rejection, the silence, the frustration, the abuse, the neglect, the confusion, the going without, the isolation, the drudgery.

The not-getting-my-way.

There’s no point in appearing to be strong–and maybe there never really was.

It’s been peculiar this year, to find this newer me emerging: to have a deeper faith that this stretch of my life’s journey wasn’t a waste, to be lead by unrelenting signs, to feel my heart break more deeply without having it break me completely.

It’s strange to be able to hold all these disparate emotions and experiences, and know, really know, that it all belongs. I didn’t think this was ever possible. It’s a new level of strength and maturity that I’m so grateful for.

This Tuesday, there will be a new moon in Taurus. The moon is exalted, or the guest of honor, in Taurus. So this new moon, along with Uranus in Taurus, will be a very potent new moon, especially for making dreams and desires into physical reality. Taurus is an earth sign, very sensual, all about the five senses.

What I’ll be doing this week will be planting seeds for a new beginning and a new life.

Soon, I’ll rise from these ashes, reborn. Until then, I will mourn what never was, what could have been, and what used to be…so I can make way for the spark of life, burgeoning inside of me, waiting to be released.

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#CapricornProblems🐐

climbing SOM

Yesterday, it took about 90 minutes to be seen for a few minutes at my endocrinologist’s office. And the blame can be spread almost evenly between my doctor’s office and the endocrinologist’s.

I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and I haven’t been on medication for it since at least last year. Now that I could actually afford health insurance (HMO), I’ve been trying get my health back in order.

Long story short, because of a clerical error with my primary care physician’s office, an authorization for my visit was missing. I called that office three times and got the authorization code myself. I didn’t want to reschedule.

The endocrinologist’s office was very apologetic, and I told them that thought it wasn’t their fault.

But they should have been the ones calling, not me. 💡

It took me a few hours after returning home to realize that I had overstepped my boundaries as a patient, even though I was invited to do so.

Here’s the problem, though: I’ve been conditioned to do this, to take care of things for myself, ever since I was a child.

A few examples…

I’ve advocated for my mother more than once. I wrote my dad a letter that he should treat her better. He asked me if I wanted to talk about the letter. I said no. It wasn’t a discussion, in my opinion. It was a directive.

Also, let’s be real — my dad was an imposing figure. Almost 6 foot tall, large, had high expectations, and could talk himself out of a lot of things. I didn’t feel like having a discussion with him about how he should treat his wife and my mother was a meeting of the minds — even if my parents treated me like an equal far too often.

Many years later, I called my mother’s pastor (and my former pastor) when my father had gotten her and my brother evicted from their apartment because he had been harassing staff (he was and is mentally ill). They had even called the cops on him.

I’ve advocated for myself with my dad when I wrote a letter asking him that I hope he’d pay my college tuition bills since he had been reluctant to pay for school trips and other activities. He said he would and then he didn’t.

Those are just three examples that I can think off the top of my head. Being a firstborn child, being a leader comes easily. And your parents even rely on you to be the third parent, to help younger siblings learn how the world is.

These are #CapricornProblems.

As I’ve explained a few times on this blog, my sun and ascendant are in Capricorn, so Capricorn problems are of double import to me.

If you’re a part of what I call the “Cap Stellium Kids” group, those of you who have Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune in Capricorn (which also means you started your Saturn returns last December), you will probably recognize these situations.

What I actually don’t want to do is explain what the zodiac sign Capricorn is about. But I will say that one of Capricorn’s problems is also one of Capricorn’s strengths — resilience.

So yesterday I was offered to reschedule, which I found to be a ridiculous notion.

This was an easy error to fix. Why can’t someone just fix it?

I had scheduled this appointment weeks ago. I’m going to be out of town in a couple of weeks. I’ve waited over a year for this appointment in terms of being insured. The time was now.

So I stuck it through. I was applauded for it, although when my blood pressure was taken, it was a little high.

Of course it was. 🙄

Capricorn is known for enduring very rough conditions in childhood while succeeding in adulthood. I may as well still be a kid since things are still really hard. Even living here has conditioned me to adapt to circumstances that needed some pushback.

Simply put, the seagoat will endure a lot of things that they don’t need to, because it comes so easily for Capricorn to do.

On top of that, because of this propensity to lead, people will start to rely on Capricorn to do all the work they don’t want to do.

Another strength that can be wielded into a weakness is Capricorn’s willingness to lead–especially when there’s a vacuum in leadership.

I felt like had to take a leadership role here at home because it was getting so absurdly unstable.

This year, I sent increasing annoyed emails, texts, and letters to the owners of this house about the actively psychotic and all-around selfish jerk whom I call “the creep” because he spent a week stalking me in my own house. And things shifted only about a couple of weeks ago after one particular pointed and angry email where I basically had to tell the owner that the creep owns the house now and that she was being unfair to me.

She acted within hours of receiving the email, finally banning the creep from smoking in the house.

I put up with a lot of shit from the owners’ lack of courage and the creep’s lack of boundaries. I spent money I didn’t need to. I gave grace when I didn’t need to. I helped another resident here multiple times when I didn’t need to.

Why? Well, it was just easier to do it. I’m here. I’m of strong mind, body, and will. Let’s just get this shit done already.

But aren’t other people here, too? Why can’t they handle their own responsibilities?

Capricorn can really trust themselves, more than they will trust others. They take pride in their self-sufficiency. People who feed into this can possibly manipulate Capricorn to, again, do the things they don’t want to do.

Sure, this is a big reason why Capricorn can be seen as controlling. But then Capricorn looks at the world, so undone and teeming with chaos. Saturn rules Capricorn, and being a child of Saturn, Capricorn loves and craves stability and order.

Especially when my world is covered in chaos, taking charge and getting things done for myself is something I love to do — and maybe, a side benefit is to shame those who refuse to do what they need to be doing.

Yet it’s interesting that neither doctor’s office yesterday felt any shame that I had to do their jobs for them.

So that’s the double-edged sword of being self-sufficient: it can end up cutting back against you.

And this hasn’t happened much in my relationships, but this sort of obstinate self-sufficiency could block love and care from others.

The Capricorn child who is left to fend for herself, who then takes pride in taking care of herself, her parents, and her siblings, may have a really tough time receiving that same love, care, and devotion from her partner, family, and friends.

Ultimately, I feel that Capricorn has to learn: just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

For me, this is a lifelong lesson with boundaries. There are so many questions that I need to ask myself when faced with someone’s dereliction of duty.

  • Is this short-term win worth it in the long run?
  • Am I training people to be lazy and irresponsible if I come in and save the day?
  • Have I expressed my needs clearly enough?
  • If I leave this alone, will the world actually end?
  • Is forcing my will here the right thing to do for me first, and for everyone else next?

I find Capricorn to be extremely willful and resourceful and have a propensity to try to solve all problems–because Capricorn at least believes he can’t.

But, he can’t.

Capricorn can be a lot like Atlas, carrying the world on his shoulders. We can also be like Sisyphus, rolling this boulder of responsibility up and down the never-ending hills of life.

But whose world is that? Whose boulder is being pushed? Is it really mine?

Additionally, we could be blocking the lessons others need to learn when we just swoop in and try to save the day. 

Tomorrow, I will write letters to both doctor’s offices and fire both doctors. I have enough of the world to carry because when I have to do your job, then you need to be fired.

Back to my housing situation…

There’s a lot of things I’ve let go of being unchanging here, like the cleanliness of the house. The microwave is disgusting, and usually this would drive me mad.

But no one is dying, including me. So dirty it will stay until I leave.

Still, there’s a lot of absurdity here that I have to live with because the owners like money more than my customer satisfaction.

So I can only care about myself here, and no one else.

Let things fall into chaos around me. It is not my responsibility. And it never ever really was.

And of course, people will push back when you decide to mind your own business a little more. People who relied on you to be their eyes, ears, and hands will pout and put the blame on you.

Eventually, you’ll just need to walk away from it all.

So the only thing I know is that I won’t have to endure it for long. The plan this year is to move out. It’ll take some focus, endurance, luck, and a miracle or two.

But that’s one thing that Capricorn can do so well — time travel into the future and then return back and create the steps to make the future he desires a reality.

There could be so much more I could accomplish if I used my skills of resilience, and the deep I have in myself, for the right causes, for the reasons.

What dreams are waiting in the wings as I continue to focus on the wrong things? The petty things?

The needless things.

Just because Capricorn can endure doesn’t mean Capricorn should.

So sometimes, true strength and resilience requires the courage to let go, to let entropy decide the consequences, to look inward and create stability and order within oneself.

I am not responsible for the world.

So let the world fall apart and fall back together as it should.

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