Waiting to for the clouds to clear…
I started this blog with the purpose of keeping track of my spiritual happenings, but they came rather fast and furiously–hard to keep up! So, under this chill Taurus moon, I hope I can reflect on what I’ve seen in the past day.
A couple of synchronicities occurred with oracle cards with a couple of people I follow on Twitter. The cards dealt with forgiveness, desire, and timing.
The Mystery of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a tough one because I don’t see it as an option at times. For example, I have some old white men as roomies and they sound like they are one step away from hospice with their coughing. It churns my stomach. I don’t feel respected or honored here–I never was, but it was better than the hell I was living in with a scaredy cat Capricorn lawyer. Oh, the housing stories I could tell!
Still, I enjoy being mad at them, at them being emblems of white patriarchy in my own fucking house (actually–it rarely gets that deep, because I really don’t think about them until they disrupt my peace). The benefit of anger is wearing off because my thoughts about this are on a catch-a-case level. And frankly, that is a waste of time.
Even as I write this, I don’t think for asking for divine help to forgive. As Alexander Pope said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Every housing situation I’ve had in Florida requires some level of forgiveness, which I have yet to grant, and that forgiveness message has come up so often, but I think of my life before Florida, like the former “friends” back in Chicago that I don’t even think or care about anymore. I’ve (mostly) unloaded those resentments. Even my stay in a hotel during Hurricane Michael, where I was double-charged and treated horribly, forgiveness doesn’t seem available to me. Between justice and mercy, I always am on the side of justice. Make it right, and make it right, right now.
Forgiveness is a weird concept to me, and I believe it’s because it truly is divine. I don’t think I can wield it as well as justice or even mercy. It has to flow through me, from on high. Because my perspective is this: karma is a bitch you don’t want to deal with, and I hope she is very fair with you. And that’s a good perspective, which actually links to the freedom of forgiveness, but somehow I have a biter slant to it. “I hope she gets you and gets you good.”
I know forgiveness is not the same as letting justice not do her thing. It is exactly about justice and karma doing their things. And that’s it. I have been trying to embrace, too, to take nothing personally (from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. That would be agreement #2). Even when people say it’s personal, call you out by your name–it’s not personal. I know it’s a projection of their own internal life. This has been freeing for me. My Mars in Leo plus my Cancer moon takes a lot of shit personally.
Somewhere, in between those truths lies forgiveness for me. I have to trust that things will be handled, divinely, for my greatest and highest good, and that beyond sticking up for myself within reason, leaving harmful situations, like this home, I can toss it up to the Universe who has it handled already.
Plus, it’s all baggage, baggage tripping me up on my way to better things.
I already spoke about desire in my last post, so no need to rehash that.
*Judge Judy Impatient GIF*
Timing, though, is connected to desire. The messages I’ve been receiving have been about perfect timing, waiting for the right timing, divine timing. Two posts ago, I discussed being impatient, and the Universe roared back, through oracle card readings and the tweets of people I follow, about being patient. That message has been orbiting around me for a while. I can apply that point of view to my career, but not love.
Sidenote: I just felt a little guilty for being so, um, me oriented. It was the Aries full moon, I swear. I did catch myself thinking today, “I’m just ready to share.“
Ahem. Back to it…
I’m not completely resolute on anything. I feel ready for anything, for answers, for clarity. But just in writing this, two folks I follow wrote about being patient.
I’m not getting it, am I?
Universe, help me quickly, and with grace and ease, to be patient!
Lucky for this Capricorn, this season of rest will be over starting tomorrow (wow, that’s such a messed up thing, but classic Capricorn, thing to say). I feel like I’m heading back to work. Job searching can be really draining and demoralizing., but I’ve been trying to flip my dread around into hope. Maybe this time in between jobs will be different. It already feels different.
My thoughts are drifting, but everything that I read and hear has similar messages for me. Stay positive. Transformation. Wheel of Fortune. Listen to your inner intuition. Repeating numbers: (it’s 10:10 right now) 11:11, 12:12, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, and of course, 5:55.
Deep down, I wish I was more confident about these unknown times. As I said in a previous post, signs are for those who do not believe. If the confluence of people, places, and things doesn’t give me any peace, even a skywriter at this point won’t help me to believe. Faith is not easy, and it’s only cultivated and nurtured in uncertain times.
I have to forgive myself for being so weak-hearted. Life hasn’t been easy. I don’t blame myself for feeling like I’m being set up for another big fall labeled as a “life lesson.” I don’t trust easily, or sometimes I trust too easily because I don’t trust easily and I’m tired of waiting for trustworthy folks to show up. Impatience! Again!
The Universe knows I’m exhausted. I’m tired of the terrain, the repeated, bland scenery, the same scenarios playing out their dismal demises.
The Universe also knows that I’m stubborn. If I made my way through all this muck, I’m not going to give up now. I will be gotdamn cranky as I trudge through this morass–I think of the Swamps of Sadness in the movie, The Neverending Story–but I will not give up.
So maybe I can see all these signs (including someone talking about a topic I just blogged about earlier today) as good signs? I can accept that I am on the right path–which is another recurring message I’ve heard and seen. These are like the posters and banners that people hold at a race, shouting out encouragement in big block letters. They aren’t teases or lies or empty promises. It’s the Truth, with a capital T.
So, as I wait for and work towards the perfect timing for all those good things to coalesce, I can celebrate these Truths: I’m no longer oppressed. I’m no longer powerless. I don’t have to just take shit from people just to survive.