Smedium

Happy June! Happy #GeminiSeason! Since my last blog post, a lot of changes have rolled and rumbled through my life. Like a Gemini’s mind, I feel restless–I really want to roll and rumble myself!

To sum up, I have been casually looking for a new job. I need to move from this home. And I feel that it’s time to start creating my own family–which seems like an arbitrary to to declare; but I really declared it when I turned 36, about 2.5 years later, it’s not really news to me.

Last month, I had some major events occur. Some of them were very unpleasant, and some were supremely sublime:

  • A pointless shouting match about race with a Pisces man at work. He’s in the 3rd decan, so he acted a lot like an Aries (impulsive, squawling baby). Additionally, it caused me to unceremoniously end my friendship with the other Pisces friend, because she just sat there and did nothing as he laid into me. Some friend. Amygdala hijackings are real.
  • After almost eight months of gut-wrenching tension and endlessness, I emailed and asked out the Gemini that I talked about in the last blog post. I got a long-winded no (this has happened before). It was a “sorry, too busy” spiel (which does sound genuine, but this Capricorn doesn’t really like the word no when it comes to things they want). He still smiles when he sees me and it feels like nothing changed. Enter deeper confusion and dread!
  • A visit with my Cancer friend. It was so good to see her and hang out, meet her goofy Scorpio husband. They are two watery goofs together. I met her family and her Gemini youngest daughter charmed me (she just turned six). I’ve never had a kid like me so much just because. There’s something very disarming about that, that takes my crusty Capricorn defenses down. I heard her tell my friend that she liked me and thought I was funny. This little bouncing diva probably came out of the womb in a pink sequinned dress and a feather boa. What’s weird is that I remember when she was born (her mother and I go way back to my hometown, 20 years ago when she was a nursing student. And they lived near Chicago when I was there–but we didn’t know that! Yet we had been Facebook friends for a while). Anyway, we played Candyland and colored in coloring books on a rainy day while her siblings were being taken to dance class and the doctor (the youngest is a Cap like me, 18 months). We also argued over eating–she is currently a picky eater. It’s the first time I’ve really bonded with a child. That seems significant for me. Her dad said I was good with kids. I don’t know if I really am, or if I’m just good with her (because she allows me to be). Kindergarten is still my favorite grade, and she is of that age of peak kid cuteness.
  • I went back to therapy after that shitty useless incident at work. It was a good session. This woman is also a yoga instructor. She seems to get it. I’ll go biweekly, since my life isn’t in complete shambles. I just need some nudges over the edge.
  • I spoke with an astrologer (Sam is great, by the way) and I learned a lot more about the glories of being a Capricorn, as well as the weird energetic tango I’ve been in with the Gemini (Neptunian hijinks with my rising sign). Apparently, I have a book to write, and I need to figure out how to give more.

All of those events seem to have me moving into something more. I am not sure what. I have the quincunx quakes (five signs away from my sun sign, which is what Gemini is from Capricorn).

My Gemini girl bonding made me think of how parenting is 1) not easy and 2) a transformative experience of deep love that I can’t really fathom. But I felt ready for it. Asking out the Gemini dude–I was angling for closure (I just wanted to know! And I was ready to be brave) and all I did was just open the door to a gushing ocean of feelings, more than I’ve ever experienced. Imagine me, a double Cap, trying to deal with that, and my watery moon just drowning.

Well, it’s been a ride since I last wrote here. I needed more clarity about him, and about my life in general.

So, on Memorial Day, I finally got to visit Cassadaga, land of the psychics and mediums. I went with another Pisces friend (I’ve been swimming with the fishies for a while now!). It reminded me of being Sedona, Arizona– how there’s a vortex there, and I didn’t feel a goddamned thing.I don’t think there’s a vortex in Cassadaga, but I was expecting supernatural phenomena. Nada. This spiritual camp is about an hour’s drive north from me.

My friend had an appointment with a woman, a medium, and after perusing the bookstore, we walked down to this brightly colored house (I’d give the color, but I really like my semi-anonymity here).

We got to this home at noon and left at about 7:30pm, so I’m not going to give a blow-by-blow of the two hour preamble of talking we did before we even started with my reading. It was about a whole bunch of shit–mostly good shit, like politics, voting, etc.

The medium is a double Cap like me, with an earthy moon, and she’s a senior citizen (her age is the same number of my birth year). I’ll give a clue about her moon, though: her face was perfect and she was in a cute sweater set with pale pants.

It was like talking to anyone else, talking to a medium. Well, though–I couldn’t record it. The energy just wouldn’t allow it. She’s had cassette tapes pop out, recordings not catch any talking…but I wasn’t feeling it. I just took out my little notebook and took notes on what she said.

So yes, there’s no scarves, no crystal ball, no incantations, no incense, no moving objects. I’ve had prophecies over my life when I was still in the charismatic evangelical movement–I love(d) that shit! Freaky deaky! This, from the allegedly rigid, by-the-book  Capricorn. Meeting with the medium, though, was basically the same. I sat on her couch and we talked.

Like I said, I’m not going to give a blow-by-blow–my reading was THREE HOURS. It was very thorough–apparently, it’s what happens when you’re a newbie with her. I’m gonna try, with my loquacious Mercury in Sag self, to be brief about this mystical visit:

  • Here’s a preamble to this part: as a woman, as a woman who has been raised by my truly humble Piscean mother, and even though I know this stuff, it’s still hard to buck up against my female socialization: I’m fucking smart. And I’m really kind. And wise. The generosity of spirit came up in my astrology reading last week (moon conjunct Jupiter in Cancer), and here it was again. I apparently don’t have enough hands-on time giving. I can buck up against the kindness part because, I think, my bar is very high. Most people aren’t kind, and it pisses me clear the fuck off! And it’s one of the things my Cancer friend and I have truly bonded on, that common courtesy is of the utmost importance. But still, even myself, I don’t think of myself as incredibly kind. Or generous. Do most kind and generous people go around thinking that about themselves anyway?
  • My grandmother dropped in! The medium started to get a scratchy throat and asked me if someone had trouble breathing when they died. My grandmother had some pulmonary issues, fluid in the lungs, when she died. She told me that she loved me and that she was proud of me, which means so much. I admit–it’s a vague, general thing to say. We didn’t have a relationship, so there couldn’t be much she could say that would have been very specific to me. I surprisingly did not cry, like I usually cry while watching “Long Island Medium.” I was hoping to hear from her, and really, that was the first time I have heard from her (she was a fun, and funny, Leo). I still feel awful that I didn’t meet her before she passed. She was in her 90s.
  • What about the children?! They have come up in oracle card readings numerous times, and also in previous prophecies, one where I was sobbing. I have to work with them. Not sure how yet. Child psychiatry was the career I wanted. It didn’t work out. Encounter with the Gem girl seems to be more significant now.
  • Other people in spirit tried to help out me and my family. They implored me that I wasn’t alone. I have no idea who these people are. I’ll assume it’s the ancestors, like my mom’s dad, others. If I think about that long enough, I could cry for sure.
  • That piece of information came about because of my father, who is very mentally unstable. He’s a brilliant man, but he embodies the dark side of the bottomless ego of a Leo. The medium said that maybe in another life dimension, I’ll see who he really is. He really loves me–she said she could feel and sense that.
  • LOVE: she was able to see the Gem dude’s unusual name. She had these letters close together and she was wondering where he was from. HA. She asked if I really liked him and rolled my eyes and sighed an exasperated yes. She said he’s a good guy, he didn’t reject me (awww), and that he’s otherwise engaged (as he said, he’s busy). He’s either a precursor to love or is a great love. I’m ready. Exciting! That may have been the best news that I heard, about being ready for love. Nevertheless, I still act like I’m 12 when I’m around him, though, because Capricorns don’t do feelings, and yet we take everything so seriously, often way too seriously. And, I feel incredibly vulnerable, like all my roiling feelings are boiling up and out, and he can see them all. She told me to smile at him, and I don’t think that I can. I may crack if I do.
  • I’m at my sexual peak right now (I’m sure you were dying to know that. I actually wasn’t!).

Overall, life may take some more sharp turns, but it’ll be for the life I want. I have barely begun my life. I myself believe that I won’t even begin to hit my stride until I’m 40. Yet even now, I do feel like things are syncing up in my life.

After my visit with her, I was starving. It was dinnertime. I ate some junk food from the vending machine that’s outside the main book shop. I walked around, sat at the like for a few seconds before there was some shitty bugs pestering me. I read from Judith Orloff’s book, Emotional Freedom. After my friend’s reading was done, I got home after 8pm, grateful for a divine encounter.

One thing I forgot to mention from my reading: my writing will always be there for me, but my job is going to be unique. And I have to write a book. I still don’t know what the book will on and I don’t know how I will start working with kids. I’ll leave it up to the Universe to figure that out.

Right now, I just want to make sure I can pay my bills as I face some job uncertainty with a jealous, threatened Taurus supervisor. But that could be really small thinking, really small dreaming, really small living.

I’ve been trying to jolt myself out of survival mode, and it’s hard. Maybe even the switch is broken.

My former surname means “born in a time of war.” I’m a soldier living in peacetime.

When you go through hard things for so long, it can be so hard to believe that things can and will be good again, that they are good even now.

Even with all the this signs and wonders, it’s still taking some faith to believe that the Universe has always had my back, and will continue to do so.

Every breath, every step, every word, every thought, every action–it’s all being supported.

As a girl who felt like she was on her own most of the time, this seems hard to believe. But eventually, my faith will catch up with my seemingly feeble, yet really, really earnest, actions.

 

 

One thought on “Smedium

  1. Pingback: the past future | sun opposite moon

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